Plans, Planning and Control

Plans, Planning and the Illusion of Control

Like many moms I know, I have an on-again, off-again relationship with making plans.  All the experts tell you that planning is really where it’s at.

And some days, I buy it.  There are those days or weeks when I plot my course and I’m amazed at how easily things flow.  I’m grooving on the feeling of being in control- moving forward and getting things done!  I’m the master of my fate!

Until I’m not.

More often, it seems that I plan my day and it’s been shot to hell before breakfast is even over.  Someone’s sick, something broke, some appointment is cancelled…  and whatever plans I had for the day just got completely scrambled.

Annoyed and frustrated, I write off making plans as a sucker’s game.  A waste of time best left to the hopelessly naive or desperate control freaks.

So I turn the reins over to the universe for a while.  I take a laissez faire approach- meeting each day as it comes.  I still keep track of the big stuff- doctor’s appointments, writing deadlines, client meetings, etc.  but otherwise I just move through the days doing whatever presents itself as the most urgent or interesting thing at the moment.

This usually works at least for a little while.  Sure some things fall through the cracks, and some things never make it to the top of the pile, but no major disasters befall us.  People get fed (though there’s more mac and cheese than I’m really comfortable with) and everyone gets where they need to be (though not always with what they need to have).  All the essential errands get run (though with a few extra trips for forgotten items).  Etc.

And then something big comes along.  Maybe it’s deadline week.  Or maybe I’m starting up a new class or work project.  Maybe some household appliance malfunctions and needs to be replaced.  Whatever the cause, more and more things start to stack up and I find myself stressed out by all the things that suddenly need my attention NOW!

Now I’m into overwhelm and feeling totally out of control.

I’ve finally figured out that the quickest way out of overwhelm is to make a list of everything on my plate and take a look at when I might get it done.  Voila, I’m back in the land of the plan, and having the plan helps me calm down and regain my equilibrium.

Maybe you’ve had a similar relationship with plans and planning.  On the one hand, it’s hard to imagine life as a mom without some kind of plan in place, on the other, I don’t know of another role in which plans are so doomed to failure.  It’s like that old joke: Plans- you can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them.

An important distinction

I recently heard something that shifted my perspective on plans however.  I was listening to Charlie Gilkey of Productive Flourishing and he made a distinction that I had never quite grasped before.  Quoting Eisenhower, he said, “Plans are useless, but planning is essential.”

Plans are useless…

Well no shit, Sherlock!    But honestly, I was so relieved to hear someone finally say something like this.  Because in all the reading I’ve done on time management, organization, etc.  everyone always says you have to make a plan.  No one ever says, “Oh and by the way, this plan that you’ve spent so much time creating is utterly useless.”  But that’s what it seems like, especially for a mom’s life.

If you’re expecting to execute your carefully crafted plan exactly as written, you’re almost certainly courting disappointment.  Anytime your plans involve other people, animals, machines or the elements, you’re dealing with matters far beyond your control.  That’s just life.

The thing I came to realize is that the problem is not that reality interferes with or alters our plans.  The problem is that all too often, we think we’ve done something wrong if our plans don’t unfold exactly as we imagine them.  Either we think we’ve made a faulty plan or we think we’re at fault for not doing what we’d planned.  So we blame ourselves.  But we don’t stop to ask whether the plan was still appropriate or relevant.

If you plan to take a picnic to the park and it’s pouring down rain, common sense would tell you to change your plans.

That one’s easy.  I know.

But so is this one:  If you end up ordering pizza instead of cooking the meal you had written in your menu plan because you were talking your son through an hour of geometry homework- that doesn’t count as a failure of your plan either.  This is success of the highest order.

Success is not executing a plan in every detail, but in responding appropriately to the situation in front of you.

Planning is essential

And being able to respond to the situation in front of you is what planning is all about.

Here’s my take on why planning is useful:

• Planning helps you get the lay of the land. (What’s happening?  When?  What do I need to have or do for these situations?)
• Planning helps you identify the big, important chunks of life and make sure they don’t get lost in the shuffle.
• Planning enables you to identify the fixed commitments (those people, events, etc, that everything else revolves around), and the flexible ones.
• Planning helps you identify and prepare for the most likely scenarios (Going out with a toddler?  It’s a good bet you’ll need a diaper or two and some snacks.)
• Planning also helps you indentify and prepare for alternative scenarios.  (You think you’ll be home before naptime, but better bring the blankie just in case!)
• Planning can give you some degree of choice. (You can choose when to do certain things, or in what order.)

And perhaps most importantly, planning can help lower your stress level by helping you to feel more in control of things.

The big distinction between plans and planning is that planning is active- it engages us with the world as we currently understand it.  But once made, the plan itself is static.  Which means that while the world is still changing, the plan is not.  No wonder plans are useless!

Is there any way to come up with plans that won’t dissolve into dust and leave us feeling like we’ve failed the minute they come into contact with the real world?

How planning is like cooking

I think you can tell a lot about someone by watching them cook.  Do they read the recipe carefully, all the way through and assemble their ingredients on the counter before they start?  Do they flip the page if they discover that they are out of fresh rosemary?

Or do they open a couple of cookbooks, read through a few recipes, get the basic idea and start to cook?  Throw in a little of this and a little of that, stir, taste, and adjust until it’s just the way they like it?  No fresh rosemary? No problem.  Would dried rosemary work? Or would the fresh basil be better?

Let’s just say that some people are more comfortable with more structure, and some are comfortable with less.

If you’ve been reading this blog for very long and are still digging it, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’re one who needs a fair bit of room to move.  With that in mind, I have a few suggestions for how to approach planning so that you can enjoy the illusion of control for all it’s worth, and not beat yourself up when reality intervenes and your plans don’t go as planned.

If you think of plans like recipes, sometimes you need more precision and sometimes you need less.  Even I follow a recipe fairly closely when I’m baking because I know that a half teaspoon of baking soda can make a big difference.  When I’m making stew, or chili- I’m not going to measure the cumin!  I’ll just eyeball it.

I also think of a plan as a container.  Sometimes it’s a small container with a specific place for every item.  Sometimes it’s a bigger container and there’s more flow and movement.  Whatever kind of container I’m working with, there are four principles that help me make a plan that works.  Conveniently I’ve been able to find words for these that start with the first four letters of the alphabet!

Alternatives- Most of the time I do better with a plan that leaves me with some choices.  For example, I might plan 6 dinners for the week, but not what night I’m cooking which thing.

Buffers- When I make a plan, I’m much better about building in extra time or space between activities, events, etc.  When things inevitably take longer than I think, these buffers save me from additional stress.

Consolidate Decision-making – Making decisions takes enormous amounts of brain-capacity.  Consolidating your decision-making is much more efficient and you can see how the parts all fit together.  The reason menu planning is so helpful is that instead of deciding 7 times per week “what’s for dinner?” you decide on 7 dinners at once.

Draft- I consider all my plans to be drafts.  Works in progress.  Another ‘D’ word that works here is ‘dynamic.’  A plan has to evolve to meet the current situation.  Thinking of plans as drafts means that they are constantly being revised based on changing data.  Side benefit- with this understanding, a plan never fails- it just gets revised more thoroughly!    This also gives me room to consider possibilities that I don’t even know about.  If we get invited to go sledding on a Saturday morning, I’m very likely to ditch the plans for chores and housework.

Just like a recipe, a plan is there to serve you, to make your life easier and more enjoyable.  If you don’t like a recipe- change it!  If a plan isn’t meeting your needs or the needs of your family- change it!

So now it’s your turn….does the distinction between plans and planning shift your relationship with this whole idea?  What works for you/doesn’t work for you in making plans?  Got any helpful hints to share?

Please let us know in the comments!

If you live in CO, check out the workshop I’m doing in a couple of weeks! Click here for all the details!