Overcoming Overwhelm

One day at a time

When I saw this card in the shop, I simply HAD to have it.  I keep it in my binder to remind me that it’s not just me. Nearly every mom I know feels completely overwhelmed from time to time.  It’s hitting me this week with a vengeance.  Obligations that once seemed soooo far away are all of a sudden upon me.  It’s deadline week, both my parents birthdays are this week and I’m on for doing a talk at my women’s networking group.  None of these are exactly surprises, or last minute matters, but they’re all hitting at the same time.  And then there’s the normal life stuff which can be broken down into biz life, home life and volunteer life.  Nothing urgent on those fronts, but enough regular commitments to keep me busy in a “normal” week and more than enough to flip me into overwhelm this week. Since I’m there, I figured I might as well use this opportunity to dissect the phenomena of overwhelm in order to help myself- and perhaps one or two other moms as well.

Symptoms of Overwhelm:

When I work with clients, I often have them describe their experience in terms of the physical sensations, emotional responses and thoughts/words that are running. So when I check into my physical sensations, I notice that my breathing is shallow and fairly rapid and there’s a tightness in my stomach.  I’m feeling jittery, moving quickly from task to task, (either mentally or physically) without bringing any of them to completion. Sometimes (though not at this moment) overwhelm manifests as a feeling of physical exhaustion.  Inertia sets in and I’m unable to move at all. Right now, my thoughts and words are scattered and moving rapidly.  I’m pretty sure my voice is coming out just a bit louder than normal and I can hear an edge to it. Emotionally, I’m feeling fearful.  At its worst, overwhelm brings on feelings almost like panic.  Right now, in addition to the fear and anxiety, I feel isolated and unconnected from those around me.  This is showing up in this moment as annoyance and irritability. Mentally, I’m not very sharp at all.  For me, thinking I must be losing my mind is often an early warning signal of overwhelm.  My short-term memory seems to be non-existent as I find myself wondering what I’m doing in the kitchen or who I was just going to call. The thoughts looping through my head sound like this:

• I’ll never be able to get it all done.
• These people (my family, people calling on the phone, anyone who looks like a distraction at this moment) are totally in my way- if they’d just go away and leave me alone I could get all this stuff done.
• If I weren’t so disorganized, I could get it all done.
• If I weren’t such an idiot, I would have planned better and not gotten myself into this situation AGAIN!
• You always do this to yourself.
• I’m totally incompetent and they’re all going to finally figure it out.
• They’re all going to be disappointed because I’m doing such a crappy job on this.
• They’re all going to hate me.
• No one can help me.
• I have to do all this stuff all by myself.

And so on and so on. Oy… Notice how these aspects form a very tight and coherent system.  The thoughts reinforce the emotions of fear and isolation.  The physical sensations are of an organism that’s on high-alert.  When the voices are so loud and annoying, there’s virtually no chance of completing a thought process or task efficiently. Is it any wonder I’m spinning in a circle that gets tighter and tighter with every revolution?

So what helps?  How am I going to get myself out of this mess?

First of all, just notice what’s going on.

Noticing that my breathing is shallow, I can decide to take a deeper breath.  Or if even that is too much for the moment, I can just notice my breathing without judgment. Being aware of my emotions and holding myself gently in them.  “Oh, so I guess I’m feeling a little scared.”  “I really am feeling isolated.”  Not rushing in to do anything about it (because that would just give me one more thing to do) but really holding the gentle awareness of what I’m feeling at this very moment. Slowing down just enough to really listen to the voices in my head.  Until I typed that list, I really had no clear idea of what they were actually saying.  I could hear the general tone of the din, but not the actual words.  Having it out there in black and white, I can see that these thoughts are clearly not the literal truth. Words like “always,” “never,” “they,” and other forms of exaggeration or generalization are usually a clue that I’m not solidly in touch with reality.  But again, rather than argue with these voices, a more gentle form of engagement is possible.

Reality Check

“They’re all going to hate me.”  Oh really?  Who are ‘they’ anyway?  And will they really hate you?  What do you think that would look  like? When I think of the actual people in my life, it’s easy to see that these concrete individuals would never hate me, even if I don’t get all the stuff on my list taken care of. When I get to this point, I can ask questions like, “So what’s the worst thing that really might happen if you don’t get X done?” When I do this I get a good chuckle at myself because the truth of the matter is that I’m really not all that important.  The voices in my head seem to have an exaggerated sense of their/my importance.  But the fact is that if none of the things that feel so ridiculously urgent at this moment get done, the consequences are really pretty minor, compared with the racket in my head.  The world will not come to an end, and no one is going to die because of anything I do or don’t do in the next week. If my articles are late, it’s not like the front page of the New York Times will have a huge blank spot.   I won’t even get fired.  Realistically, it will mean that the editor is crunched on her deadline.  If I’m really late, the layout person could be inconvenienced because she won’t be able to finish the layout… etc, etc.  So there are real consequences- but nothing like those that run around in my head. If the birthday presents don’t arrive on time, will my parents disown me?  Of course not.  Frankly, they would probably be more surprised if I do get their gifts there on time.  Either way, in a month, none of us will remember when the packages arrived. As for the talk to my networking group, this one feels important because it’s an opportunity I don’t want to miss.  I know I can pull something together on the fly and it will be OK.  But I’m going for more than OK here.  The truth is that this group may or may not notice a huge difference, but I will.  So this one is more about not disappointing myself than anyone else.

Ahhhhh….

So, with a bit of breathing, levity and clarity, the overwhelm has loosed its grip just a smidge.  Now I can start to think a little more clearly and make a plan.

Since this post is already WAY long, I’ll fill you in on this bit next time.  At which point I’ll give you step-by-step suggestions for how to overcome overwhelm.

Does this ring any bells for you?  How does overwhelm hit you physically, emotionally and mentally?  What soundtrack loops in your head in those hard moments?  What helps you overcome overwhelm?

Let us know in the comments! If you haven’t already, don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss anything.  And if you know another mom who might enjoy this, send it her way

If you liked this post, you might want to sign up for my newsletter (the little box in the corner).  I took all the best stuff from these two posts and turned them into a workbook and audio that will help talk you down!  I think it rocks.  Maybe you will too.