Overcoming Overwhelm-Part 2

Part 1 of this post is here, in which we discuss the phenomena of overwhelm and begin to get a grip.  When we left off, I had managed to calm myself somewhat with a few deep breaths and some time spent noticing what was really going on in my body, emotions and thought processes.

You may recall from this post a brief primer on neurobiology- but the upshot for today’s purposes is that the nervous system can either be in survival mode or critical thinking mode.  Never both at the same time.

When we’re in overwhelm, our nervous systems react as if there is a tiger about to eat us.  The range of options gets narrowed down to the basics:  fight, flight or freeze.  That’s where you get the racing heart, shallow breathing and the bizarre combination of hair-trigger reflexes and paralysis.  Executive functions like long range planning go right out the window.

Because none of the items on my plate are actual emergencies, the fight/flight/freeze responses are not all that helpful in actually getting anything done, never mind making a plan.

Noticing my breathing, feeling the anxiety and hearing the exaggerated doomsday scenarios in my head allow me to shift out of this state.

Once I’ve calmed myself, I can begin to switch from survival mode to higher-order thinking and actually make a plan.  (Quick note- the chemicals that are released during the experience of overwhelm take a while- from a few minutes to a few hours- to completely clear your system.  So be gentle!)

First, make a list

Getting the list out of my head and onto paper lets me see that what looked like an infinite list is not really infinite, no matter how many pieces of paper it takes!

Once I’ve got the list on paper, I often see that what I put as one item really involves several steps.  For instance: “Write articles” is not just one action.  If I have three articles, it’s at least three steps.  But of course it’s more than that.  The simplest article requires at least one or two interviews before I even begin to write.  So for one article the list looks something like this:

• Find phone number for X
• Call X (Interview or set up time for interview)
• Interview X
• Write article (I’m chunking several steps together here!)
• Write photo cap (if necessary)
• Email editor.
• Don’t forget to attach article and photo!

While it may seem that breaking this one task down into so many more steps would lead to more overwhelm, my experience is that it does just the opposite.

Overwhelm says, “I can’t do it all.”

Breaking things down makes it much easier to take the first action- EVEN IF I’m still in the grip of overwhelm.

I say to myself, “Even if I can’t do it all, I can at the very least find the phone number.”

And then, “Even if I can’t do it all, I can at least call this person.”

Taking some action, no matter how small it may seem, means I’m no longer paralyzed.

And one small action leads to another, which leads to another… and before you know it, things are getting done.

Make a plan

The other reason to break things down into their most basic steps is that it helps me see how to sequence tasks and when I can do each one.  Here’s where the higher-order thinking skills come in handy.  I have to find the phone number before I can call the person.  Sounds simple, but I’m guessing I’m not the only one that ends up spinning in circles over something like this.  Some things on my list can happen only during business hours.   Some things can only happen after business hours.  Some things (like writing) can be done late at night.

The next step is to take my list of concrete actions and my calendar and figure out (roughly) how long each might take and (roughly) when I’m going to do each thing.  The neo-cortex is back in action, planning and strategizing.

This probably more than anything else helps calm the feeling of overwhelm.  Even if I haven’t actually DONE any of the action items, knowing when they are going to get done calms the nervous system.  I can actually notice my breathing shift, and the panicked feelings subside.

Sometimes this exercise reveals that it actually will be impossible to do everything.

In this case, I still have more options than when I’m in overwhelm.  When I can see that it’s just not gonna happen- there are simply not enough hours between now and then, I can start to manage my commitments.

I can identify those that have ‘hard’ deadlines and those that are softer.  What can I change, rearrange, reschedule?  What can’t I?

Are there standing commitments I have (like yoga class) that I’m willing or able to let slide this week?

Which of the consequences that are actually likely to occur (not the worst case scenarios I imagine in the throes of overwhelm) am I most willing/unwilling to deal with?

What phone calls, emails, conversations do I need to have to make the necessary arrangements or adjustments?

Sometimes breaking things down reveals at least a couple of items that can be delegated.  When I broke down “mom/dad birthdays” into its more basic parts, I realized that I already had cards for them both (major accomplishment there!) and a present for my mom.  So I was left with this list:

• Buy present (dad)
• Wrap presents
• Mail presents

I’m the only one who could do item 1.  I could potentially delegate item two, but I probably won’t.   But item three… now there’s a good candidate for delegation.  My husband goes by the post office a couple of times a week.  Chances are good that if I get the packages ready, he’d be happy to drop them in the mail for me.

Without chunking down, I could never have seen any part of this task as one I wouldn’t have to do.

Overwhelm says, “I can’t do it all,” and implies that we have to do it all alone.

Delegating, or asking for help says, “I’m not alone.  I don’t have to do it all by myself.”

With my list and my plan, courtesy of the neocortex, I’m in much better shape.  Now, some of that adrenaline that may still be floating around in my system can actually help me kick it into high gear and start getting it done!

The Clip and Save Checklist:

I don’t know a mom anywhere who doesn’t feel overwhelmed at some time or other.   The next time you’re in the grip of that panicky feeling and find yourself spinning in circles, give yourself a few minutes to give this a try, even though you might not want to!  It’s OK.  Allow yourself not to want to.  And then give it a try anyway.

• Check in with your breathing.  Observe your body as it moves through space.
• Notice your emotions.  What are you feeling?  No need to judge or try to change them, just notice.
• Listen carefully to the voices in your head.  What are they saying?  Is it true?  Really true?   How would you know if it weren’t?
• Make a list- a long and through list.
• Make a plan- what will you do and when will you do it?
• Renegotiate if necessary
• Delegate and connect if possible
• Even though you can’t do it all, do one small thing.  Rinse and repeat.

What helps you manage (or avoid!) overwhelm?  Let us know in the comments!

If you liked this, check out other posts under “This is your brain on children.”