Maybe you’re losing it, or maybe you just need a nap!

This is your brain on children:   in which we discuss sleep deprivation.

Some of you may have grown up (as I did) under the Regan era ‘war on drugs.’  One of the hallmarks of that time was a TV ad intended to terrify impressionable youngsters into permanent abstinence.  From drugs that is…  I can’t say how effective it was at that mission, but subsequent generations have certainly benefited from the potential for parody that it offered.  Turns out they could have used the same ad to induce abstinence from sex, because what drugs do to your brain is nothing compared to what kids can accomplish.  Drugs may fry your brain, but kids are guaranteed to scramble it!

Seriously.

Every mom I know has at one point said (or yelled) “YOU KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!”  And the funny part is it’s true.  Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reading and have learned some fascinating things about why having kids can change you from being a relatively sane, competent adult into a spacey, forgetful, raving lunatic with alarming frequency.

The good news is- it’s not you.  That is it’s not only you.  The bad news is that there is no cure, though there may be treatment!

What’s the big deal about sleep?

File under clueless but well-intentioned:  The friend or relative who says to the pregnant woman, “You’d better sleep all you can now, because once the baby comes, you’ll never sleep again.”

This would always annoy the bejeezus out of me, because first of all, I love sleep.  Love.  It.

But as much as I loved sleep, I knew even then that sleep isn’t like money.  You can’t save it up for later.  As all you moms who spent the last bit of pregnancy on bed rest can attest- no matter how much sleep you get before the baby is born, it doesn’t mean you can go without sleep for the next few weeks or months afterwards!

Everyone knows that sleep deprivation comes with the territory of motherhood.  It’s kinda like poopy diapers.  No one escapes.  But unlike poopy diapers, sleep deprivation can really mess with your head.  And your body.  And your relationships.

Sleep deprivation can make you crazy

Science has proven unequivocally that sleep deprivation makes you crazy.  Severe, prolonged sleep deprivation can make you dangerously crazy.  But less extreme sleep-deprivation can make you feel like you’re losing your marbles.

Every mom I know has stories to tell of feeling like a zombie shortly after the birth of her children.

My best/worst was the time I found my car keys in the refrigerator.  I have no idea how they got there, but I tore the house apart, completely emptied my purse, dumped the diaper bag on the floor, searched every nook and cranny of the car…you get the idea.   I had even dug out the spare set of keys to use until I could get a replacement for the (expensive!) electronic key and was wondering how long I could go before I informed my dear husband of the situation….

But I digress…

Do any of these symptoms sound familiar:

• Fatigue
• Lethargy
• Lack of energy
• Exaggerated or dampened emotional responses
• Clumsiness, bumping into things
• Difficulty concentrating
• Lack of interest in activities (even pleasurable ones)
• Inability to complete tasks
• Spaciness
• Distractibility
• Forgetfulness
• Losing or misplacing things
• Overwhelm
• Irritability
• Anxiety

Some of these are typically associated with depression.  Some are typically associated with ADD/ADHD.  All are possible effects of sleep deprivation.

It’s not a pretty picture!

Lack of sleep really does impact your mental and emotional functioning.

If you’re accustomed to being largely in control of your mental and emotional faculties, it can come as a bit of a shock to find yourself snapping at your kids for no good reason, or forgetting why you went downstairs.

One way to think about it is that sleep deprivation is like not having any shock absorbers on your car.  You would feel every little crack, bump and rock in the road and probably wouldn’t enjoy the ride much.

When you’ve had enough sleep, you’re able to handle the little things (and the not so little ones) that come up every day in the life of a mom.  The ride is much smoother and more fun for everyone.

Kids cause sleep deprivation

Well duh… this seems too obvious to mention.   But here’s the thing.  It’s not just moms of very young children who are suffering from sleep deprivation.

The worst of it definitely comes early.  But kids eventually do sleep through the night, so you ‘d think that moms would catch a break right?

Wrong.

There seem to be three kinds of obstacles to getting a good night’s sleep:  getting to bed, getting to sleep and staying asleep.

Problems Getting to Bed

Problem number one is that we don’t put ourselves to bed at a reasonable hour.  Let’s face it, after tending to the needs of other people all day, nighttime is often the only time a mom has a minute to herself.

That’s when we chill out, watch TV, read, knit, get on the computer, or even do housework, pay bills or handle other tasks that are hard to get to in the chaos of life.  And then (if you’re anything like me) I get on a roll and want to do just one more thing.  One more page (or chapter), one more row of knitting, one more email to read or answer, one more little chore.  And the next thing you know, it’s waaayyy late!

Late night is often the only time mom and dad have together without the kids.  Maybe you snuggle up and watch a movie together.  Or maybe this is when you talk about whose family to visit for the holidays.  Or what to do about the gutters that need repairing.

Sometimes this chill time can set us up for a good night’s sleep.  But not always.

Problems falling asleep

If having unpaid bills sitting on your desk is causing you anxiety, then taking care of them before turning in might help you relax and go to sleep.  But if you end up worrying about how you’re going to pay for Janie’s braces or looking at how your 501k has tanked, the chances of a good night’s sleep just dropped as well.  Worse yet if you end up in an argument with your husband about money right before bed.

Of course anxiety in any form can make it hard to sleep, and I have yet to meet a mother who wasn’t stressed or that didn’t worry about something.  It seems to be part of the job description.  Sometimes I feel like there’s a little 24 hour worry channel in my brain.  “All worries all the time…” Everything from wondering if I have another jar of AJ’s favorite jelly for his lunch tomorrow, to suddenly remembering my library books are overdue, to thinking about what’s going to happen if we don’t get this global warming thing figured out.  Nothing is too small or too large, too mundane or too irrational when this channel is tuned in!

And speaking of channels, it seems that the blue-spectrum light that most TVs and computers emits delays the production of melatonin- the hormone that signals the body that it’s time to sleep, so watching TV or spending time on email or Facebook right before bed might make it harder to fall asleep.

So even once you get yourself in bed, there’s no guarantee that sleep will come quickly.  And even if you fall asleep, there’s no guarantee that you’ll stay asleep or sleep deeply enough to get your full quota of REM sleep.

Problems Staying Asleep

This might be the most striking thing of all.  Unlike poopy diapers, sleep deprivation may continue indefinitely for moms.

A couple of years ago I read an article that said that becoming a mother may permanently alter a woman’s sleeping patterns.  (I’ve searched the internets for this to the limit of my attention span- if anyone finds the original study or article I’ll give you full credit and might even send you cookies!)

The upshot of the article was that moms are sleep deprived not just in the early weeks and months when we’re waking every few hours to feed an infant, though that’s what everyone seems to focus on.  From the time the baby is born, moms tend to sleep with ‘one eye open.’  We’re alert to every movement and sound or lack thereof from our baby’s room.  And this pattern of sleeping apparently persists long after the kid is sleeping through the night.  We hear them when they get up to go pee.  Moms of teens report listening for the sound of the door opening so they know their kid is in for the night.

Sleeping this way, we miss out on that all important REM sleep- the kind that seems to be most important for restoring our cognitive functioning.

And then there’s the hormone factor.  Fluctuating estrogen levels are responsible for insomnia at various stages of a woman’s life.  For many women, sleeplessness is connected to PMS.    For some of us, just about the time the kids are sleeping soundly, we’re not.  Perimenopause has begun and often the first thing women will notice is- guess what?  Insomnia.  Specifically, waking in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep.

It’s really not fair!  Even when there’s no kid to wake us up, we’re up anyway!

Kids really do make you crazy

So there you have the perfect logical syllogism:

• Sleep deprivation makes you crazy.
• Kids cause sleep deprivation.
• Therefore, kids make you crazy.

So what’s a mom to do?

Let’s assume ditching the kids isn’t an option.  After all, if the research is right, the damage has already been done!

But there is hope for sleep deprived moms, no matter how old your kids are.

The first thing to do is give yourself a break.  If you’ve been beating yourself up for forgetting things, having a hard time getting things done, or being short with your family- realize that there’s a good chance it’s not because you’re a lousy mom.  The brain simply doesn’t function well without adequate sleep.

So how do moms get enough sleep?

Here’s a laundry list of tried and true suggestions:

• Try to set things up so that your ‘me time’ doesn’t always come at the end of the day.  (Easier said than done, I know!)
• Give yourself a reasonable bed time and stick to it.  I know a teacher of Chinese medicine who says that the hours before midnight count for twice as much as the hours after midnight in terms of restful sleep.  Experiment-see what you think!
• Build yourself a soothing bedtime routine.  Would a bath be nice?  Some relaxing music?  A little light reading?  Repeating the same series of activities sends your brain the signal that it’s time to sleep.
• Let it go… the laundry can get folded tomorrow.  The email will still be there.
• Make a list- if there’s something you need to do, or don’t want to forget- make a list.
• Write it down- for more abstract, free-floating worries, writing them down can help get them out of your head and onto the page.  Often the act of articulating your worries makes them seem much more manageable.
• Save the intense conversations for daylight hours and try not to go to bed angry.
• Turn off the TV and computers an hour before bedtime.
• Limit caffeine and alcohol, especially before bedtime.
• Exercise, but not right before bedtime.

If you do wake up in the middle of the night experts say you shouldn’t stay in bed watching the clock.  They recommend getting out of bed after 20-30 minutes and going into another room to read or do something else until you get sleepy again.   If you have any hope of going back to sleep, keep the lights low, and don’t turn on the TV or computer.

When I find myself awake in the middle of the night with my brain spinning in circles, I have had good results with the homeopathic remedy coffea cruda and a little lavender oil.

If all else fails, take a nap.  While the experts discourage long naps during the day, because they can make it harder to sleep at night, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to grab 40 winks.

And please, please, please, if you think you might be suffering from something more serious than sleep deprivation, consult your healthcare practitioner.  There is help available for you.

What about you?  What keeps you up at night?  What helps you sleep?  Please share in the comments!