This is the second in a series of posts that I’m calling, “This is Your Brain on Children.” In case you missed it, you can read the first installment here.
Some of you may have grown up (as I did) under the Regan era ‘war on drugs.’ One of the hallmarks of that time was a TV ad intended to terrify impressionable youngsters into permanent abstinence. From drugs that is… I can’t say how effective it was at that mission, but subsequent generations have certainly benefited from the potential for parody that it offered. Turns out they could have used the same ad to induce abstinence from sex, because what drugs do to your brain is nothing compared to what kids can accomplish. Drugs may fry your brain, but kids are guaranteed to scramble it!
Seriously.
Every mom I know has at one point said (or yelled) “YOU KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!” And the funny part is it’s true. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reading and have learned some fascinating things about why having kids can change you from being a relatively sane, competent adult into a spacey, forgetful, raving lunatic with alarming frequency.
The good news is- it’s not you. That is it’s not only you. The bad news is that there is no cure, though there may be treatment! It’s all part of how we’re wired as mammals to attend and care for our young and ensure the survival of the species. (Yeah I know, sometimes it seems like bad programming!)
Fair warning: I am a geek and a former academic- so you can expect to see references quoted and noted- though I will try to keep it to a minimum and promise not subject either of us to APA format!
In the first installment in this series, we consider the time honored adage, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
We left off with the observation that because of the way we’re wired, limbic resonance- that is the mutual adjustment of physiological and emotional states will happen. What that means is that like it or not, mom’s emotional state is going to affect the other members of the household.
So let’s look at the flip side of this: how do we make sure that mama stays happy?
Honoring ‘negative’ emotions
Part of the trouble here is that some of our emotions have gotten a bad rap. These days we’re caught in a culture that emphasizes ‘positive thinking’ to the nth degree and one of the consequences is that respectable emotions like anger, sadness and fear have been demonized. And then of course we’ve probably all witnessed occasions where someone was overtaken by their anger and did some damage- whether physical or emotional.
Understandably, we have some reservations about letting these emotions in (or out). But maybe a better understanding of what these emotions are all about, and the important role they play in protecting our physical and emotional well-being will help.
Below are some of the most basic ‘negative’ emotions. There are, of course, variations on a theme- but most of the emotions we try to avoid have one of these at their root. These descriptions are based on Martha Beck’s chart in “Finding your Own North Star” with my embellishments:
- Anger: Helps us protect our dignity or correct injustice. Motivates us to restorative action
- Fear: Alerts us to danger. Heightens perception and prepares us for protective action (fight or flight).
- Sadness/Grief: Appropriate response to loss. Alerts us to importance. When honored, enables healing and resilience.
- Exhaustion: State of mental and/or physical depletion. Inclines/compels us to rest. *this is not one of Beck’s primary emotions, but since it’s another of those things that mothers aren’t supposed to feel, I’m putting it on this list.
Each of these states has a distinctive physiological counterpart that readies the body for the appropriate action. Fear and anger can both cause a surge of adrenaline, preparing for fight, or flight. Sadness and grief slow us way down, making action all but impossible and setting the stage for a phase of ‘non-doing’ in which to process our loss. Exhaustion insists that we stop. Period.
These physiological processes cannot be overridden by the rational mind. Nearly every mom has a story of losing her kid in the store or at the park or somewhere… Remember that terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach? That frantic, yet completely purposeful searching? When you finally find them, your rational mind can understand that the danger is past- but the limbic system takes a while to catch up. Those stress hormones take time to clear the system, and until they do, your heart will still be racing. Is it any wonder that in those situations, the first words out of our mouths carry a tone of fear and even anger rather than love and relief?
So maybe you can see how some of these emotions can actually serve us, at least in some situations.
But we don’t want our emotions running roughshod over every member of the household. Just because the dog has gone on a rampage and chewed our favorite pumps, and then puked little bits of leather onto the new carpet leaving a nasty stain doesn’t mean that everyone in the household needs to pay.
Oddly enough, however, our well-meaning attempts to protect our families from these strong emotions doesn’t work. As noted in the earlier post, the limbic system never lies. So you can tell your kids that you’re not upset, but your words and your body will be contradicting each other. They will pick up the vibe. And now everybody is just confused. You’re not stomping around in a rage, screaming and threatening bodily harm to the poor dog, instead, you’re snapping at everybody else over the least little thing. But really, you’re FINE!
Honoring the negative makes transformation possible
Resisting the ‘negative’ emotion doesn’t help. Nor does denying it, whether to yourself or others.
So how do we use our emotions (even the negative ones) to point us towards happiness?
- First- name the emotion. Even if it’s only to yourself. Acknowledge that you feel angry, afraid, irritated, exhausted, whatever. Leave aside for the moment the question of whether the emotion is ‘justified’ or ‘appropriate.’ For now- just name it.
- Second- Notice how this emotion manifests in your body. Is your jaw clenched? Is your breathing shallow? How about that knot in your stomach? Just notice what is going on for you without judgement.
- Third- Only when steps one and two are complete, ask yourself why you are feeling this way. What happened and what is the story you are telling yourself about it? Here’s where the neocortex- the seat of logic and reasoning comes into the picture. Is the danger real? Ok then, what needs to happen next? Was there an injustice done? If so, what needs to be done to rectify the situation? Was there something lost? If so, what was it and how can you honor its significance?
Ideally you would have someone to listen to you as you move through these steps. It’s really important that such a person understand that their job is to listen. Period. Not to solve the problem, agree with you that your husband is a lousy, rotten jerk for leaving the dishes in the sink, or even to reassure you that it will all be OK. They should really just listen. You may already have a friend who can do this. Take advantage! And, of course, return the favor when appropriate!
If no friend is available, writing out what’s going on can help. If, in the heat of the moment, even that’s not possible, at least take a moment to breathe and articulate your emotions, the sensations and your thoughts on the situation to yourself.
At the end of this process, you will at least have gotten your limbic system and your neocortex on the same page. Even if you realize that your fear was unfounded, you can say to yourself, or your kid, “Wow, I was really afraid something bad was going to happen. Now I see you are safe, and I can start to relax, but I’m not quite there yet.”
You will also be in a much better position to recognize and solve real problems. Maybe your exhaustion has uncovered a need for more sleep that is not being met, or your anger has revealed an agreement that is not being honored.
Once your limbic system has returned to normal, rational conversation will go much better!
More thougts, experiences or questions on limbic resonance? Please share!
