Birds Nest Candy

We all know what to do when life hands you lemons, right?  You make lemonade.  But what do you do when life hands you half a bag of chow mein noodles?

I come from a family (both sides!) that rarely throw things out.  The men in my family are notorious for saving old inner tubes (does anyone even remember when tires had tubes?), scraps of all kinds and the parts of every washing machine, automobile and toilet they’ve ever repaired, because you never know when one of these things might come in handy.  The women in my family are equally loathe to throw food away.  Even if there were only three stalks of asparagus left or two tablespoons of gravy, my grandmother would package them up and put them in the fridge.

I’ve carried on this family tradition- and take quite a bit of pleasure in transforming leftover bits and pieces into food my family is (usually!) happy to see again.  So when I returned home after my husband’s parents had been holding down the fort during our brief escape to Paris and found a bag of chow mein noodles in the kitchen, I started pondering.

We do lots of stir fry around here, but I didn’t see us using them in the traditional way.  I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with them, but I certainly wasn’t going to throw them out.

I vaguely remembered that there was a kind of cookie that people made using these noodles.  Well it was pretty easy to find a recipe for haystack cookies.* So on one of my trips to the grocery store, I got the chips and some peanuts and was waiting for a suitable occasion to make them.

Weeks passed and all of a sudden Easter is upon us.  So this morning, with the help of one of AJ’s friends, we turned the haystacks (sans peanuts) into nests and put a few eggs in them.  Sticking our hands into the gooey mess for the first time took some courage, but it didn’t take long for us all to become expert nest-builders.  And I think most of the jelly beans ended up on the nests, instead of in their mouths!

We’ll send L home with his creations and take some to the neighbors.  And we’ll still have plenty to enjoy around here!

*It will surprise no one to learn that I did not follow even this simple recipe exactly since I didn’t know exactly how many ounces of noodles were left in the 12 oz bag.  I used 1 bag of butterscotch chips and a glob (1/2 -3/4 cup??) of peanut butter which I melted in the microwave (It took about 2 mins, stirring after 1 min, in for another minute and then stirring until the chips were completely smooth.)  I then mixed in the chow mein noodles a bit at a time until it looked right.  I ended up using all the noodles I had.

Here’s a little something that a friend sent me last week.  I don’t know exactly where it came from, so if you do, please let me know!  (The academic in me HATES publishing stuff without being able to cite the source!)

The Challenge

Ok, Parents!  Here’s the challenge:

November is “I Like It” Month.  For the month of November, you are challenged to refrain from yelling at your children (or each other). Don’t nag anyone.  Don’t tell them about what they are doing wrong or what they are doing that is driving you nuts.  Don’t say “Go pick up your shoes and socks and put them where they’re supposed to be!”  Don’t say “How many times have I told you to sit down!”  or “How many times have I told you not to do that!!!!!”

We know that kids don’t always start their homework right after school when you think they should.  They don’t want to try new foods.  They want candy right before dinner.  They whine when they don’t get their way. They dawdle when you’re in a hurry.  Your reaction might be to yell, scream, growl, swat, grab an ear, or turn red in the face from trying not to screech. (How’s that really changing the child’s behavior and self-discipline for the long term?)

Here’s the plan for November:

Any time you see your child doing something he/she shouldn’t be doing, get up and go to the child.  Pat or kiss them on the head or shoulder and say “I Like It when you do what you are supposed to be doing.”  Then walk away.

For instance, let’s say you’ve asked your child to put their shoes in the closet every day for the past year, and yet he still “forgets”.  Starting on November 1st, when you see the shoes in the living room, go to Jake and kiss him on the head or pat his shoulder or do whatever action of endearment you choose, and say “I like it when you put your shoes in the closet without my asking you every day to do it.”  Then walk away.  You might have to repeat it every day for 2 weeks, and the shoes might not get picked up for 13 of those days!  But he’ll hear you if he doesn’t have an ipod stuck in his ears or the tv on.  If the rule is that there’s no tv unless all clothes and shoes are put away, and he whines, just say “the rule about putting clothes away is still the rule.”  And walk out of the room.  Let the Rule be the “heavy”.

When Freddy won’t eat his green beans, pat him on the head and say “I appreciate it when you eat healthy food, so you’ll stay healthy and won’t get as many colds as some kids do.”   (If he won’t eat any green beans and the rule is “no beans, no dessert”, then if there is whining, say “the rule about not eating some of every food means no dessert is still the rule”, and walk away.)  Or when Janie is slow in getting dressed in the morning, go to her and kiss her on the head and say “You make the mornings so much nicer when you get ready on time and are cheerful to be with. When you’re ready on time, we even have time to have an extra hug or cup of juice. And I’d love an extra hug today when you’re ready.”  (On days when there’s only time for a quick hug because you had to put her shoes on for her, remind her that you “like other days better, when we have more time for hugs”).  If it’s homework time and there’s resistance to doing it, give Alice a hug and say “I like it when you do your homework so your teacher knows you exercised your brain.  And I can see you are getting more successful every time you finish your work.”  Or say “When you finish your homework, I can see that you will be ready for 2nd grade next year!” When Alex puts his towel on the floor instead of hanging it up, you might say “I appreciate it when you hang up your wet towel, and your nose will, too, when you use it tomorrow and it smells fresh instead of musty from lying in a heap on the floor.”

The idea is to remind children of what they can and should be doing, and why, rather than having the last sentence they hear be all about doing the wrong thing.  It’s sort of like your spouse going out the door in the morning saying “Remember, don’t eat any chocolate today – stay on your diet!”  All you can think of is “chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!” or your frustration that he/she didn’t appreciate that you’ve lost 5 pounds and instead still focuses on the 15 you still need to lose.  It makes you want to growl – and then go find that chocolate!

In general, children want to please their parents if they have a healthy relationship.  We often think it’s “us against them” because a battle over something as insignificant as dirty socks grows into a major conflict. So, getting back to a mutually helpful conversation might be just the thing you need to move your relationship to a more satisfying level.

November is the month when school might be getting a little harder. Reviewing is over and new skills are on the agenda.  There are few holidays in November before Thanksgiving, and the days might drag a bit in school. And if the Halloween candy is leading to whining for more, how about “I am glad that even though you want candy, you really do understand that too much is not good for anyone, and that you’re old enough to wait until tomorrow for another piece.”  Children might start seeing Christmas catalogs and whine about what they want.  Rather than tearing your hair out when they repeatedly mention the same toy they WANT, how about saying “I enjoy seeing your Wish List in December, when Christmas is getting close, but hearing about it now — well, my tired memory might just not hang on to that idea if I only hear it.”

No matter what the issue is, put it in the positive — what do you want them to do?  Tell them you appreciate it when they do it.  Don’t tell them what not to do.

Then, the first week of December, sit down with your spouse – make a specific appointment to be by yourselves – and really talk about whether any changes have been made in the child’s actions, in your frame of mind, in your relationship, in the way the household is running.  It usually takes about a month to make a new habit stick, so think about any progress being made towards a new good habit.  The power of positive thinking is not just a book title or old phrase.  Putting the emphasis on the positive in raising children — just like in your friendships, your marriage, and your job —  can have definite benefits.

Good luck and Good parenting!

My Results

Well I have to say, I’ve tried this a few times with mixed results.  The first time was last week when we were practicing violin.  Often AJ will diddle around between one thing and the next.  Sometimes it doesn’t bother me.  Other times it drives me bananas!  On this day, I was feeling pressed for time, but I remembered the “I like it when…” notion.  So I said to him, “I like it when you move on to the next thing the first time I ask.”  And he shot back at me, “I like it when you ask me to do fun things in practice, and not boring technique.”

OK… fair’s fair!

I decided we needed a little more positive reinforcement before we went on so I’ve been trying to ‘catch him doing something right’ so that the “I like it….” thing doesn’t come off as SO artificial.

I told him I liked it when he put his clothes away the first time I asked.  And when he was ready for an ‘on time departure’ for school.  When there were a handful of boys here for a playdate, I told them all I liked it when they responded so quickly when I asked them to wash their hands and come to lunch.

Have I managed to put all my comments in the positive?

Absolutely not.

“Don’t X” or “Please stop Y” still comes out of my mouth more than I care to admit.  But having the “I like it” phrase in the back of my mind has been helpful.  Even when it comes out as an afterthought.  I.e.  “Please don’t do A… I like it when you do B.”

Whoever wrote this article seemed to have younger kids in mind, so I’m very curious to see how this suggestion plays out across different age ranges.  Although I could certainly see that even with grownups (dads?  colleagues?  neighbors?) that being told “I appreciate it when you take out the trash/ get those reports to me on time/ keep your dog off my flowers would work a lot better than the alternatives.

How about you?

Are you game for the “I like it” challenge?  Please share what you try and how it works in the comments!

I love teaching so much because whenever I do it, I learn something myself.  And the Getting To School Without Losing Your Cool teleclass and private sessions I’ve been doing are no exception.

On the call a couple of weeks ago, we were discussing the challenges of getting everyone out the door and one of the moms said the hardest thing for her was the last 5 minute push to get out the door.  And another mom on the call piped in, “It’s like the birth canal!”

I’ll tell you, I haven’t been able to look at the door from our kitchen to the garage the same way since!  Best of all, her comment crystallized what I’d been thinking as I pondered what makes it so hard to get everyone out the door in the morning without all the trauma and drama.

The existential crisis of the school-age child….

The problem with most organizational ‘solutions’ is that they take too shallow a view.  Yes there are logistical challenges of getting kids out the door with all their stuff.  But that’s really only part of the story.

Because that thing about the door being like the birth canal- it’s so true.  When we’re getting our kids ready for school, we’re really preparing them to spend the day outside the sheltered space of our homes.

We want to make sure they have been nourished for their journey with a substantial breakfast, that they are prepared for the elements with jackets, hats, etc. and that they have whatever else they need to meet the day like lunchboxes, homework and gym clothes.

But there’s more to it than that.

Because for their part, our kids are spending the time between sleeping and leaving for school gradually transitioning from their ‘home selves’ to their ‘school selves.’

In other words, they’re getting their game face on.

They are preparing themselves to meet challenges we don’t really know the details of.  The kid who teases if their shoelaces come untied.  The math teacher who always calls on them just when they DON’T know the answer.  The ever-shifting sands of social status and the inevitable anxiety that comes with constantly learning new things.

This is what I mean by an existential crisis, and it’s a lot for a kid to deal with before breakfast!

At some level, we moms know this.  Which is why when we send our kids off for the day, we don’t just want their backpacks and lunchboxes to be full.  We want their internal gas tanks, their internal reservoirs of love, connection, peacefulness, confidence and competence to be full.

Because let’s face it, this is what’s really going to get them through their day.  If their internal sense of themselves is solid, they can figure out how to handle a missing library book.

This is WHY the logistics matter

As much as we might like to, we can’t avoid this existential crisis our children endure.  But how well our morning routines and systems work can make a big difference to whether our kids emerge into the public world feeling good about themselves and their ability to handle what comes at them or not.

Systems as the cure for existential angst?

Isn’t it a little much to ask a morning routine to engender feelings of love, connection, peace, confidence and competence in a kid?

Well… maybe not.

I’ll say more about how this works in another post because logistics really do matter and they deserve a more detailed post of their own.

But the basic idea is this: well designed systems (by which I mean systems that are designed to fit you, your kid, your family, etc.) can give a sense of predictability, routine and security to your mornings, helping to calm some of the anxiety generated by the existential crisis we so cavalierly describe as “getting ready for school.”

When our systems and structures help the mornings flow smoothly, our kids can walk through that birth canal we call a front door feeling as prepared and competent as possible.  You can see it when your kid feels good about herself: she holds her head high and walks confidently into the day ahead.

When our systems and structures aren’t in place, or aren’t working — when mom gets angry, when the kid forgets something and feels stupid — our kid’s tank of internal resourcefulness and resilience is drained before the day has even really started.

We’ve all seen this in our kids too.  His head is down and his shoulders are hunched even before he picks up his backpack.   Defeated before he even enters the arena, it’s hard to recover from a morning like this one.

The good news is that there are fairly simple ways to create systems that will help you and your family get off to school feeling calm, cool and connected and I’ll be sharing those soon!

In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you!

• Do you buy my ‘existential crisis’ theory?
• How does your kid get his/her ‘game face’ on?
• What makes mornings work in your household?
• What’s not working?

Thanks for sharing!

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Well as evidenced by the space between posts these days, my summer is at least as disorganized as yours!  Maybe even more!

This post started as a reply to the comments in the previous post, but took on a life of its own.  So here goes.

The big bullet point for today:  Summer.  Is.  Different.

I know.  Sounds obvious, right?  But if you carry the same expectations of yourself and your kids that you had in the spring into the summer, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of frustration and disappointment.

Acceptance is the first step…

I stole this line from a friend who stole it from AA.  But the funny thing is that acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean what you think it means.

“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one”

Albert Einstein

Now I’m a philosopher so you don’t really want to get me started on the nature of reality!  (or if there is any such thing!)  But it is pretty clear to me that a lot of us make our lives more difficult than necessary when we fail to see and react to what the world is actually giving us, instead of what we wish or think the world ought to be giving us.

Only when we acknowledge what’s really happening do we have any chance of responding effectively.  This is especially the case when we don’t like what’s happening or things aren’t going as we hoped or planned for them to go.

So it makes a lot of sense to notice what’s actually going on in your world instead of what you think ‘should’ be going on.

Maybe you think your kids ‘should’ be able to play by themselves without interrupting you for longer than 10 minutes.  Or maybe you think they ‘should’ get their chores done or do their summer reading without being nagged reminded.

Maybe you think you ‘should’ be able to get the house cleaned and dinner made, or that you ‘should’ be able to get that project taken care of (cleaning out the basement?  Finishing your 8 year old’s baby book?)

Clarify your own expectations

The first thing to do is to take a few minutes and think about what your expectations are for yourself, your kids, your husband, etc.  If you think you don’t have any- notice the times throughout the day when you feel annoyed, frustrated or irritated.  Chances are, there’s some expectation you have that’s not being met.

Don’t beat yourself (or anyone else)up over it, just notice it.

That’s about enough for today- next time, I’ll have some suggestions for what to do once you’ve noticed what expectations you’re carrying around.

Until then, please chime in… what expectations do you have (that are perhaps being frustrated this summer?)

Please share in the comments!

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This has been a hard couple of weeks.  School is out and I still haven’t quite found my feet yet.

I was super crabby yesterday because it seemed like nothing went according to plan.  I’d start do to something, and get interrupted.  And this went on all day long.  Not a single thing on my substantial list got done, despite my best efforts.  At the end of it, I was so frustrated and fed up I couldn’t stand myself (and no one else could stand me either!).

The only consolation is that I know I’m not alone, because I’ve talked with clients and other moms who are also feeling ungrounded and at loose ends.

Why does the end of the school year and the beginning of summer throw us into such a tailspin?

I had a huge lightbulb moment a few weeks ago as I was reading Kathy Waddill’s The Organizing Sourcebook: Nine strategies for simplifying your life.

Her take on what ‘being organized’ means rocked my world- in a good way.

She says that being organized is when your systems match your life as you are currently living it.  Being disorganized results from a mismatch between your systems and your real life.

No wonder….

No wonder things are a little topsy-turvy right now.  Real life has changed rather substantially from a couple of weeks ago and the systems haven’t yet caught up.

My regular times for doing things have gotten all messed up, and so I’m spinning around trying to remember what I’m supposed to be doing and figure out when I’m going to get it done.  Some things just haven’t happened (like writing for the blog.)  Others are happening, but much more sporadically and randomly than usual.

A funny example:  Like you probably do, we have a routine in the morning that doesn’t vary too much throughout the school year.  AJ wakes up, gets dressed, eats breakfast, brushes his teeth, makes sure his backpack is ready to go, and we’re out the door.

When we don’t have school, he wakes up, maybe gets dressed, maybe not.  Gets himself breakfast and… hardly ever remembers to brush his teeth.

And honestly I can’t really give him a hard time about it, because it’s so built into the morning routine that without the regular sequence of events, I forget to remind him.

And it’s not just the daily routine that’s gotten thrown out of whack.  The milestones of the week have dropped out or changed.  Our violin lesson has been on Monday for two years, and this summer it’s been changed to Tuesday.  I’m still confused and am terrified I’m going to space out one week and miss it!

I’ve been doing the same yoga class on Friday mornings for a good long while too.  But with swim lessons in the morning for the next couple of weeks, that’s not going to happen.

So, yeah… out of whack all over the place!

My old systems aren’t matching my new reality.  And I’m not really happy about it at the moment.

In the next couple of posts, I’ll give some suggestions for how to bring things back into alignment, but for now I’d love to hear your thoughts on the transition between school-year and summertime.

What’s the hardest thing for you about this time?  What do you do that helps?

Please share in the comments!

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It’s such a cliché that kids grow up fast.

In the season of graduations and such, some of the transitions are clear and sharply defined.  These tend to be those associated with ‘official’ categories of one sort or another.  The pre-schooler heads off to kindergarten.  The 6^th grader to middle school.  And so on.

Traditional communities, including religious traditions have rituals that mark the different stages of life- moving from childhood into adolescence and then adulthood.  In our contemporary and largely secular way of life, we’ve lost some of these markers for the different phases of life.

I’m interested in this because my son turned ten in December and since then it’s been more and more apparent that he’s no longer a little kid

Some of it is physical.

All of his classmates look so much bigger and older all of a sudden.  The girls are developing and the boys are growing like weeds.  AJ is up to my shoulders now, and we’re taking bets on when he’ll be taller than me.  Right now his feet are nearly as big as mine, so I’m sure it won’t be long.

But the physical changes are only the tip of the iceberg.

Other signs that he’s no longer my ‘little boy’:

• He closes the bathroom door.

• If I want to kiss him goodbye before school, it has to be in the parking lot, NOT on the playground.

• I think he’s hearing dirty jokes from his friends.  I’m not sure if I want to know what they are or not!

• It’s hard to tell his t-shirts from mine.

He smells.  His friends smell.

One night not too long ago he had a friend sleeping over.  Finally it got quiet in his room and went to check that they were really asleep.  As I opened the door, I had to laugh because the room was filled with eau de stinky boy.  And I realized that it was going to get worse and not better for the next few years!

He’s managing parts of his life on his own

Not too long ago, he was in the shower and realized that he didn’t have a towel.  Instead of calling for help he dried off with a hand towel.

When he wanted to play a more advanced song in his violin recital, I told him he could talk to his teacher about it.  And he did.  We called the teacher up and I handed the phone to AJ.  He calmly and confidently explained to the teacher that wanted to play a different piece.  They talked for a few minutes and the teacher agreed.  He busted his butt to learn the new piece in time for the recital and surprised his teacher with how quickly he was able to get it up to performance quality.

Other people are treating him differently

For many years, the hostess would automatically bring a kid’s menu to our table.  Lately they’ve been asking if we need one.  If it’s one of those places that has a ‘big kids’ menu, sometimes he’ll order something from there, otherwise, he orders from the regular menu.

His doctor asked him if he wanted me to stay while she examined his private parts.  This time he said yes.  I imagine it may be the last year he does.  She didn’t even offer him a sticker afterwards, and I’m pretty sure he would have declined.

The latest:  when I took him to the dentist last week, and the hygienist gave him his new toothbrush- she gave him the same kind she gives me and my husband.  Not the kid kind with power rangers on the handle.  Wow.

The Fiddler on the Roof soundtrack was a favorite in our house for quite a while, so with apologies to Jerry Block and Sheldon Harnick, I made up a few new verses to one of the archetypal songs about kids growing up.

To the tune of Sunrise, Sunset

When did he turn into a big kid?

He has outgrown his jeans AGAIN!

One minute he’s my little muffin,

Now he’s TEN!

When did he get to be so smelly?

When did his language get so crude?

What will it take to teach him

Not to be so rude?

When did he get to be so hairy?

Is that a pimple on his face?

Don’t know when I became

This big dis-grace.

When did he get to be so thoughtful?

When did he learn to be so kind?

Who knew the heart that would be bursting

Would be mine?

Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset

Swiftly flow the years

One season following another

Laden with happiness and tears…

How about you?  What ‘unofficial’ signs of growth and maturity have you observed in your kids?  I know this post is very boy-centric, so I’d love to hear from moms of girls what you have  noticed.

What verses would you add to my adaptation of Sunrise, Sunset?

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Well, I’m determined to put something up today, but I’m going to keep it short because it’s deadline week (again!) and I have some juicy stuff to get up on the website and then a newsletter to write to get the word out about all the cool stuff that’s coming up soon….

This is kind of a do-over, but it also connects to the series of being stuck in our own stories….

You’ve probably heard the notion that generals are always fighting the last war?  In particular, they always seem to focus on what went wrong and making sure that THAT doesn’t happen again.

We can certainly see this idea at work in the ever-more-absurd screening process you have to endure before getting on a plane these days.

Some bozo had a bomb in his shoe- OK we’ll all take off our shoes now.

Someone planned to use liquids to bomb a plane- so we all empty our water bottles, and all our toiletries now come in itty bitty tubes and vials.

I’ve ranted and raved about how stupid this is, but was rudely reminded this week that we all do this: focus on our mistakes, where things went wrong, and do whatever we can to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

On the one hand, this makes perfect sense.  It would be a shame not to learn from our past mistakes.  But let’s just say this strategy has its limitations…

It all started with a ball cap

Sometime in the last year, AJ lost a ball cap on a plane.  It was no big deal, not a priceless, autographed heirloom by any means, but it was annoying (to me) to have lost it.  And therefore when AJ and I left last Wednesday for a short trip to TX, I was a royal pain in the butt about his hat.  He wore it in the car on the way to the airport and as we were waiting in the security line, I bugged him to put it into his backpack so he wouldn’t lose it.  He resisted, said he wouldn’t lose it this time, but I wasn’t about to take any chances.

I kept on bugging him, and finally (probably just to shut me up) he took it off and stuck it in his backpack.  But I still wasn’t satisfied because he stuck it in the outer mesh pocket of the backpack.

I wanted it inside the zippered part, where it couldn’t possibly fall out.

Can you tell that I was completely convinced that only my constant vigilance was going to keep this hat from joining the other one in the land of lost stuff?

Part of the background here is that I’ve been known to be a little scattered.  It’s part of my right-brained nature, and for the most part, I manage OK.  But I’m a little defensive about it, and I really do hate losing stuff.  One of my stories is that ‘competent grown-ups don’t lose stuff.’  And of course I want to be a competent grown up because the alternative seems to be ‘hopeless, incompetent idiot.’  So, of course, I am bound and determined to be a fully competent grown-up and not lose the hat this time around.

We hit the ground in Dallas and guess what I’m asking?

“Do you have your hat?”

“Yes mom, I have my hat.”

We exit the aircraft with the hat, and I’m ready to declare victory (at least until the next flight!).

We have the hat but….

It’s not until later that evening when we’re on our way to dinner and I tell AJ to grab his sweatshirt that we realize that the sweatshirt is nowhere to be found.  In fact, neither of us has seen it since he got on the plane and unzipped it.

Yup… you guessed it.

We left it on the plane.

I wish I could say that it was stuffed under the seat in front of him or somewhere out of sight.  But no, it was right there in plain sight.

On his seat.

I never even looked.  I was too busy worrying about the blasted hat.

The good news is that after numerous attempts to contact a live human being, I learned that the sweatshirt was safe and sound in the baggage claim and we recovered the sweatshirt on our way home.

The moral of the story?

I’m all for airline safety.  I really am.  But I get a bit peeved at the lack of imagination that the TSA shows in creating its policies and practices.  Let’s face it, now that the shoe thing has been done, do we really think someone’s going to try THAT trick again?

But in my obsessive focus on the hat, I was operating out of exactly the same kind of thinking.  I was determined not to lose the hat.  And guess what- we didn’t lose the hat.  But my narrow view of the outcome to be avoided meant I missed the bigger picture.

Has anything like this ever happened to you?  Have you ever been so committed to avoiding one problematic situation that you create another?

Please share in the comments!

Cutie RIP

Funeral for a furry friend…

This week we had a profound experience in our family. AJ’s rat Cutie died. It wasn’t a complete shock, because over the last few months, she had started to look much more frail and old. Her personality hadn’t changed and her appetite seemed good, but her coat had lost its full, glossy look and she had obviously lost weight. She reminded me of a little old lady, the way her bones poked through her skin.

And so while we knew her days with us were probably coming to an end, her death actually came about rather suddenly. And the way it all unfolded leaves me thinking that there are many larger forces at work than we can possibly comprehend.

She died on Wednesday, which, as it turned out, was a snow day. It didn’t have to be. There wasn’t really all that much snow. But nonetheless, AJ was home from school.

We had planned to go skiing that day. But no one really felt like making the drive up to the slopes that morning, so we were slow to get moving.

AJ had been planning to go sledding with a friend. But first he and his dad were going to shovel the driveway.

It’s all these little ‘buts’ that seem insignificant, or even annoying at the time, that have me so aware of the unseen forces- whatever you want to call them- that surround us.

As they were shoveling, I went to my desk to get started on the day’s blog post. Cutie’s cage is just a few feet from the desk and as I was waiting for the laptop to come alive, I noticed that she seemed to be struggling go get from her little cubby onto the exercise wheel.

This seemed odd, so I opened the cage to give her a hand. As soon as I touched her, I knew something was amiss.

Her body was oddly rigid, like maybe she’d had a stroke or something. I didn’t really know, but it was very clear that whatever it was, she wasn’t going to be with us much longer.

I wrapped her in a bandanna because she was cool to the touch and called in the snow crew. “Hey you guys… I think you’d better come in. I’m pretty sure Cutie is dying.”

AJ shed his coat and boots and I gave him the small bundle. His dad and I joined him on the couch and we sat there snuggled together, all still in our pajamas, for nearly an hour while our little friend breathed ragged breaths.

As we were sitting there, all ambitions to write my blog post, work on class materials, check email, etc. evaporated. I was exactly where I needed to be in that moment, and nothing else was nearly as important as sitting with my son while he was sitting with his pet.

I was so struck by the amazing circumstances that allowed us all to be there for that event. I can’t imagine how hard it would have been for him to come home from sledding with his friend to find her lifeless in her cage. Or worse, (for me anyway!) to have her die while he was at school and have to break the sad news on the way home.

We talked a little about Cutie, and a few tears were shed, but it was a largely silent vigil.

And then it was over. One final contraction rippled through her little body and that was it.

When she was gone, we put her gently into a tissue box (one of her favorite places to sleep) to await burial.

Because of all the snow, it didn’t make sense to bury her that day, so we agreed that on Thursday after school we would find a special place for her in the yard.

After a bit, AJ said, “I think I’m ready to get dressed and go sledding now.”

And so we did.

In the car he said, “I’d like to invite my friends over tomorrow for Cutie’s funeral.” We agreed, though without knowing how many would be able to come on such short notice, I cautioned him that not everyone might make it.

I was out at a meeting Wednesday night, but DH and AJ called all the boys in his class to tell them the news and to invite them to the funeral. To my amazement, all eight of them were able to come.

We had a lovely service, and I was really touched by the sweetness this bunch of 10 year old boys displayed.

The whole experience just has me profoundly grateful for the things I get to see and do as a parent that I never would have imagined. And how it’s those moments when I completely surrender my plans, my agenda and my desires turn out to be the moments when I know I’m in exactly the right place, doing exactly the right thing.

What about you?  Have you ever had an experience when it seemed like things were going wrong, but they were actually going exactly right?

Give yourself some room!

I’m going to keep this one short because I know I’m feeling the time crunch and I’m guessing just about every mom out there is feeling it too.

If there’s one piece of advice I could give us all this month it’s this:

Give yourself some room.

And I mean that on all kinds of levels.

In your schedule- give yourself some room.

Things are going to take longer than you think.

Traffic sucks.   The weather might be dicey.  Parking is a joke.  Everywhere you go, lines are long.  The store you’re in may not even have what you need, meaning you have to go to another store- or figure out plan B on the spot.

If you think you’re gonna dash in and get what you need real quick- fugeddaboutit!  Not gonna happen!

On a similar note- give your family some room.

Getting dressed and out the door for those holiday performances, parties, shopping trips, etc. etc.  will take longer than you think.

Chances are your standards are higher at this time of year.   I know my son can go a week without my noticing his hair- but the minute we get dressed to go somewhere, I’m sending him back to the bathroom for a comb.

It takes longer to button all those buttons than to pull on a T-shirt, or for the girls to find the “right” tights to go with their dresses.

Finding all the hats, mittens, boots and coats and getting everyone bundled up- it takes a while.

So give yourself some room so you’re not rushed and grumpy.

I hate to admit how many ‘fun’ events have started on a not so fun note as we race out of the house, grownups with that tight tone of voice that’s not exactly yelling- but might as well be.

Find some personal space and time.

For the next couple of weeks, there’s no school.  Days off of work, more people in your house for many more hours than you may be used to.  And I’m not even counting the guests!

Whatever normal personal routines you have are probably going to be shot- but do what you can to preserve your exercise time/journal time/meditation time.  Whatever you do to be able to hear yourself think- do it.

Give yourself some room to be alone- even if you have to hide in the upstairs bathroom for 15 or 20 minutes.  Take the dogs for a looonnnnggg walk.  Stop in for a coffee when you run to the grocery store for some vital missing ingredient.  Get your sweetie to take the kids ice-skating for a couple of hours.  (You can return the favor of course!)

Whatever- you’re a clever mom- you can think of some reason to get yourself out of the fray for a bit here and there.

Give yourself some room with your normal routine.

It’s going to be shot anyway- don’t stress about it!  Figure out what the essentials are and let the rest go for a while.

Give yourself some room with the normal rules and regulations.  Not to throw every principle of good nutrition and healthy child-rearing out the window, but could you cut yourself some slack with the sugar intake?  Bedtime enforcement?  TV restrictions?

Let me be very clear about this- this is for YOU, not your kid.  It’s not about acquiescing to their whines and demands for one more cookie, one more turn on the Wii.

It’s about you not getting stressed because you can’t hold the normal boundaries in abnormal circumstances.

Give your feelings (and those of your family) some room

Newsflash:  holidays aren’t all sweetness and light.  Hopefully there’s plenty of love, friendship, and good cheer in your life at the holidays, but harder feelings are often not far away.

Grief can be a visitor at this time, as can anger, disappointment, resentment, sadness, homesickness, and more.

Often these emotions float along just under the surface until something (or nothing) happens and they pop out.  Some people can tell you exactly where they come from and why they’re there, but for most of us, it will be more like a feeling of melancholy or even anger that comes over us for no reason we can see.

Children often use these times of closeness and warmth to show some of their hard feelings.  Jealousy might show up in a complaint that a sibling got more or better presents.   A tantrum on leaving Grandma’s house might cover their sadness at not seeing more of her.  And neither you nor they may ever know the real reason for their emotional ups and downs.

The simple point is this:  if you expect some hard feelings to come up, both for yourself and those around you, you can make room for them.  And if you can make room for them, they can come and go without disrupting the scheduled happiness too much.

And perhaps most important of all,

Give yourself and those around you room not to be perfect.

Stuff won’t all go down the way you want it to.  You might not find the perfect present for that difficult person.  You might not get the special present you were hoping for.  Your kids are going to make a mess of one sort or another.  Your husband might let you down.

You won’t be able to fulfill everyone’s expectations.  You probably won’t even be able to fulfill your own expectations.  And they won’t be able to fulfill yours.

And that’s OK.

In giving yourself room not to be perfect, you’re really giving yourself room to be you. In giving others room not to be perfect, you’re giving them room to be themselves.

And if you ask me, that’s the best gift any of us could give or receive.

Here’s one more thing to give yourself room for:   It’s a free teleclass: “First Aid for Holiday Overwhelm” and you can get all the details here.

It’s Thursday morning (THIS Thursday!) at 10 am Pacific/1 pm East Coast.

If you’re interested- do it now!  By the time you remember to come back and register, it will be all over!

So I’d love to know- what would you like to give yourself room for?  And how will you do this?

Please share in the comments!

This isn’t the standard version of Do-Overs and High-Fives, but I think the title still fits.

The tooth fairy lost her wings today, and I’m feeling the full bittersweetness of watching my son grow up.

DH was in the shower and I was barely conscious when AJ marched into the bedroom this morning and announced, “I know you’re the tooth fairy.”

“Wha?” I asked.

“I know you’re the tooth fairy.”  He holds up a baggie with a wadded up tissue inside.  “I lost a tooth at school yesterday and didn’t tell you about it.  And the tooth fairy didn’t come.  That proves you’re the tooth fairy.”

“Mmmm…. you think so huh?”  I’m playing it cool at this point.  Or I would be except that I’m still not awake enough to make a truly coherent response of any sort.

Not getting much response from me, he walks into the bathroom and makes his case to his dad.

Dad is noncommittal as well, neither confirming nor denying.

While AJ is getting dressed DH asks if he should smuggle one of the $2 bills he has on hand for tooth-fairy payouts into AJ’s room.

I wave him off, somehow getting the feeling that maybe it’s time to let this one go.  I figure if necessary we can put the money under the bed and convince AJ that it must have fallen.

After several more rounds of , “Come on, just admit it.  You’re the tooth fairy,” during breakfast, AJ gets off to school.

Once he’s gone and I had some time to think and reflect in my journal, it really struck me that this was a milestone of development, and at this point holding onto the myth of the tooth fairy was not going to serve AJ or our relationship with him.

As I was writing this morning, two things came clearly to me.  First of all, I didn’t want him to think that magic doesn’t exist, or that all magic is done by people.  In my experience, lots of magic comes through other people, but there’s plenty of magic that comes from somewhere else entirely!  Second, I wanted him to know that he could now be part of making magic.

So then the question became, “How do we mark this transition?”

My first thought was that he was crossing a bridge out of the world of childhood and into adulthood.  So I made a drawing of a boy crossing a bridge.  Inside the drawing I tucked a letter.

This is what it said:

Dear AJ,

Today you crossed one of the many bridges on the journey from the world of the child to the world of the adult.  You have found out that magic sometimes comes through ordinary people.

This is an important discovery, but please do not think that you have learned all there is about magic.  Crossing this bridge means that you are ready to begin to apprentice a lifelong study of the true nature of magic.

What you need to know now is that some people who cross this bridge think that magic doesn’t exist at all.  They become skeptical.  This is a danger you will have to watch out for.

The second thing to know is that you can now make magic.  Learning to do this will give you and those around you great joy.

Now that you have crossed this bridge, you may have to look a bit harder to find the magic in the world, but know this:  those who don’t believe in magic will never find it, while those who look and expect to see magic will find it everywhere.

After dinner the drawing and letter were at the table.  After he read it, we had a lovely conversation about what real magic was and where we’d seen it happen.  We talked about the magic that comes through other people, and the magic that comes from somewhere else.  We talked about how much fun it is when the magic moves through you to touch someone else.  And we gave AJ a notebook so that he could remember some of the magic he’s been witness to.

It’s probably too soon to tell, but so far this is looking like a high-five moment.

How have you handled these ‘moments of truth’ as a mom?  Please share your stories in the comments!

I’m taking next week off- so we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming after Thanksgiving.