My job is so full of paradoxes, which is probably part of why I love it.

Right now I’m living the paradox of being tickled pink that three moms have signed up for my upcoming class at Front Range Community College, and at the same time, wanting a few more to come join us for the adventure we’re about to start.

To this end, I wanted to write a blog post about some of the things we’ll be talking about and exploring as part of this class.  So I made a bunch of notes about all the brilliant things I have to say to busy moms about how to shift their lives (and their families) from chaos to calm.  And believe me, I have a lot to say on the subject.

But the first thing I’m going to say to them is this:

There is nothing wrong with you.

No matter what the state of your kitchen, your closets, your appointment book, your checkbook…  There’s nothing wrong with you.

No matter how often you’ve been late for school, lost your keys or forgotten to send a birthday card… There’s nothing wrong with you.

No matter how mad, frustrated or disappointed others have gotten with you, or you’ve gotten with yourself for any of these things…There’s nothing wrong with you.

If they take nothing else from the class, I hope they will take this deep into their hearts, their bodies and their minds.

And herein lies another paradox.

If there’s nothing wrong with them, why sign up for this class (or any other for that matter)?

Because when you think of yourself as ‘disorganized’ it feels like there is something wrong with you.

And the disapproving looks from the school secretary when your kid needs a tardy pass (again!), or the irritation at having to pay late fees for the videos that have been in your car for 3 days (during which time you’ve passed the return slot at least 5 times), or the frustration at having to reschedule an appointment because you got the day wrong are nothing compared to the internal monologue that starts something like this:

O. M. G.  I can’t believe you’ve screwed this up again.  Will you ever get your act together?  Well, I suppose we shouldn’t really expect any different given your track record….

And then it gets worse… sometimes much worse!

So what I want to say to the moms in my class is this:  You are OK right this minute.  Being disorganized is not a moral failing or a personality defect.

At the same time, it can be incredibly frustrating and has some very real costs.

Some of these costs are financial (late fees, fines, etc.).

Sometimes there are lost opportunities (tickets are sold out, summer camp classes fill up).

Often relationships are damaged (a friend is hurt when you forget your coffee date.  Marriages are strained when disorganization leads to chaos in the household).

But the most significant cost of disorganization like this is that moms lose their ability to trust themselves.  And because they don’t trust themselves to handle the ‘little things’ of life, they don’t think they are capable of reaching for more.

Those little monster voices in our heads are very persuasive, because if you can’t even manage to get the kids to school on time, how can you ever hope to do that thing you’ve always wanted to do.

And this is the biggest cost- to these moms, and to us all.  Because right now there is an enormous reservoir of human potential being wasted because a whole bunch of moms think they aren’t ‘organized’ enough to manage their families and also live their own big dreams.

There is art that isn’t being created.  Books that aren’t being written.  Organizations that could change people’s lives for the better that aren’t being started because their creators are overwhelmed by the thought of getting dinner on the table.

There’s something seriously wrong with this picture!

And this is why I’m doing this class. So that a handful of moms can get a grip on the things that are making them crazy.  But mostly so that they can create the time, space and self-trust that it will take to bring their dreams out of hiding and into the world.

So… if this is you or someone you know (in the greater Boulder area), please pass this along.  I’d love to see you (or your friends!) in the class.

Click here for more information and registration.

What do you think isn’t happening because moms think they aren’t organized enough?  Please share in the comments!

I’ve never had a summer house or ski condo or anything like that, but checking back in here with my website and blog feels like I imagine that would feel.

It’s a place I know and love, but the key feels a little sticky in the lock and when I look around it has an empty, stale feeling.  I can almost see the vase full of wilted flowers on the table, and cobwebs in the corners.

Things are just as I left them in the middle of December, not realizing that I would be gone quite so long.    It’s like I planned to be gone for just a few days, but it ended up being weeks.  And so instead of closing up properly, making sure the fridge was emptied and the trash taken out, things are kind of scattered about.

Definitely not a conscious exit!

I’ve been thinking for a couple of weeks now that I really needed to get back in here and do a little tidying up and I’m sure I will.

But most of that will have to wait.

I imagine if I did have a little cabin in the woods somewhere I’d spend the first hour or two visiting every room, opening the windows and airing the place out.  I’d be making sure the electricity and hot water were functional, taking inventory in the kitchen, wiping down the counters and getting rid of the most obvious cobwebs.

But after that, after making sure the basics were handled, I think I’d want to light a fire in the fireplace and curl up on the couch with a cup of tea  (Because there would always be a stash of tea in the cupboards!) and soak up the essence of the space: warmth, safety, coziness, comfort, relaxation and spaciousness.

And then I might pull out a book or my knitting or enjoy a quiet conversation with anyone else who wanted to chat for a bit.

So despite all the things that need to be done, the wilted flowers that need to be taken out, the remains of the last project that need to be cleaned up, etc… I’m not doing any of that today.

Right now, I just want to warm up this space and warm up myself for the tasks of tidying, re-arranging and so forth.

So today I’m just waving Hello.  I’d love it if you’d wave back, and if you’re so inclined, you’re welcome to sit and stay for a while.

There’s plenty of room on the sofa and I have lots of blankets to cuddle up in.  And the tea kettle is always on!

Do you have a cabin/summer house/vacation condo or some such?  What is it like when you go back after being gone for a while?  Do you have a blog that you sometimes leave unattended?  What’s it like for you when you venture back in?

This is where the rubber meets the road.  If you’ve followed along, you have a sense of what is most important to you this holiday season, a master list of tasks, some help lined up and a hefty dose of self-compassion for all the things that simply aren’t going to happen.

With all that in place, all that’s left is to start digging in on the list of things that are left- one baby step at a time.

So that’s your assignment for today.

Listen to the podcast Step 7 Make it Happen.

Then pick one thing (one little thing!) from your list and just do it.  Rinse and repeat.

I hope you’ve found this podcast series helpful, and if you want some help (especially with the whole business of making adjustments), I’m here for you.  Today from 10am-12pm Mountain time you can call me for Open Office Hours and we’ll do some laser coaching on whatever has you stuck.  Consider it part of my gift to you this holiday season.

Serioulsy.  Call me!  303-652-0380.  If you get sent to voice-mail, try me back in a few minutes!

Step 6 Make Adjustments

(Click to download or right-click ‘save as’ to download to your computer.)  

This is the hard part.  When you realize that your list is way too long and even with help, you simply won’t be able to do all the things you want to do or all the things other people want you to do.

And it’s hard.  Really hard.

Making decisions about what you’re not going to do.  Who you’re not going to see.  What you’re not going to buy, make or send.

This step requires compassion, permission and perhaps even a dose of self-forgiveness.

So consider this post a giant permission slip to do only what fits with your desired qualities for the holidays.

And a permission slip to have lots of different and perhaps even conflicting feelings about it: anger, disappointment, frustration, sadness, relief, excitement, and all the rest.   Give yourself some time and space to have your own feelings, and don’t be surprised if everyone else has their own feelings about some of these decisions.

And here’s a little something I didn’t mention in the podcast, but should have.

There’s a temptation to blame ourselves if we can’t do everything we wanted to do or planned to do.  You may hear some nasty little voice inside your head saying things like, “Well if you’d only planned better…”  or “If you hadn’t waited so long, you could have done it all perfectly.”

Let me say for the record, these voices are full of shit.

No matter how well you plan, or how early you start, there will always be more to do than will be possible.  And no matter how much you do, there will always be someone (maybe even you!) who will be disappointed.

These things simply cannot be helped!

The process of making adjustments is hard. There’s no way around it.  And sometimes an outside perspective is very useful.  So… to that end, I’m taking a page from Wendy Cholbi and offering Office Hours next Monday to help you navigate some of these hard choices.

Open Office Hours

Monday, December 12

10am-12pm Mountain Time.

303-652-0380 (yep, that’s my home number)

Give me a call and we’ll do some laser coaching to help you make the adjustments to your holiday plans that will work best for you and your family.  Extra compassion and permission slips for everyone!

You can also leave your question or comment down below and I’ll be sure to respond there!

Are you ready for a little tough love today?

Let’s talk about asking for help.  Or more to the point, not asking for help.

I bet you think you’re doing your family and friends a favor when you try to do it all (even to the point of making yourself nuts in the process.)

Well let me tell you something.  You’re not.  You’re certainly not doing yourself any favors, but you’re not doing them any favors either.

You’re especially not doing them any favors if you put on your martyr attitude and walk around sighing heavily about everything you have to do.

And you’re not doing them any favors if you stretch yourself to the breaking point. By which I mean that moment you lose it in total frustration and stand there screaming (or crying), “What do I have to do to get a little help around here???”

While this may certainly get your family’s attention, they will probably be confused by your outburst and at least as frustrated as you are.

Here’s a newsflash for you:  the people around you can’t read your mind.  No matter how much they love you and would like to know what you need, they just can’t do it unless you tell them.

I think this is hard for many women to grasp, because we’ve spent so many years watching the people we love so carefully that we are often able to predict what they will want and need- sometimes even before they do- and arranging our lives so as to meet these needs.

But just because they can’t read your mind and do the thing that needs doing without being asked, doesn’t mean that they don’t want (or aren’t willing) to help.

Refusing to ask (because let’s face it- sometimes that’s just what it is!) is not only counter-productive, it can be downright obnoxious.

Every time you say to yourself, “But they should know what I need.  I shouldn’t have to ask,” you’re setting yourself and the people you love up for failure and disappointment.

So let’s stop that self-righteous refusal to ask for help shall we?

OK.  Good.

But what if you’ve tried asking for help and gotten nowhere?

I’ve been there too and if there’s anything more frustrating than not getting help because you failed to ask for it, it would have to be asking for help and still not getting it.

I’m sure we’ve all been there and done that.  And it stinks.

In this podcast, I talk about how to ask for help in a way that ensures you’ll actually get what you want.  It’s not rocket science, but I’ll bet that by making a few minor tweaks to your requests, you’ll be a lot more satisfied with the results and that much further away from Holiday Overwhelm!

Step 5 Make Requests

Please listen and tell me what you think!

Was there anything that surprised you in this audio?   I’d love to hear what it was! Please share in the comments!

This is where it all starts to come together!

Grab your lists and your calendar because now it’s time to make a plan.  Of course this will bear only passing resemblance to what will actually happen, but still.  It’s good to have a plan!  A flexible plan.  With lots of white space included for the inevitable delays, melt-downs and last minute emergencies.  Because you know it’s going to happen!  Might as well build that in!

Here’s the recording for Step 4 Make a Plan.

Overwhelm says: “I can’t do it all and I dont’ even know where to start.”

Making a plan says: “Even if I can’t do it all, at least I have a plan.”

What is the hardest part of holiday planning for you?  Please share in the comments!

One of the biggest reasons we feel so overwhelmed at holiday time is that we have things on our lists that are literally un-doable.  We make lists of projects, but don’t often take the time to break them down into their component tasks.

Which brings us to Step 3 of the Overcoming Overwhelm process: Break it Down.  As you listen, you’ll discover how to turn un-doable projects into very do-able tasks.

The secret is to include verbs in your to-do list.

Step 3 Break it Down to get to the recording and you’ll be well on your way to overcoming holiday overwhelm!

If you missed the post with the first two steps, click right here.

Sign up for my newsletter (in the drop down box above, or in the sidebar to your right) and you’ll get each new post delivered to your inbox automagically!

What thing on your holiday t0-do list is a project masquerading as a task?  Please share in the comments!

P.S.  If you’re stumped when people ask you what you want this holiday season, stay tuned… Spa Days for your Soul gift certificates are coming soon!  Email me if you want details right away!

Thanksgiving is over and you know what that means.  The insanity of the holiday season is upon us.  And what is billed as a time of peace, joy, love and celebration too often becomes a season of frustration, anxiety, hurry, conflict and overwhelm.  It’s not a pretty picture!

When expectations of a Norman Rockwell holiday clash with the reality of tightened budgets, the hassles of travel, difficult family members and way too much to do in too little time, things can get ugly in a hurry.

Fortunately it doesn’t have to be this way.  It is possible to bring a lot more peace and joy into your holiday preparations- even if you didn’t start shopping for gifts in July!

If you’re looking to take some of the overwhelm out of the holiday season to make space for more peace and joy, I’d like to help!

Overcoming Holiday Overwhelm Podcasts

In this series of podcasts posted every couple of days, you will learn a 7 step process that will take you from frantic activity to focused action.  By the end of our time together, you will have a new set of tools to ease the overwhelm that can overcome anyone this time of year.

The first thing we’ll do is spend some time exploring what the holidays mean to you and identifying the qualities of experience you want for yourself and your family.

There is always too much to do and not enough time to do it all, so we’ll talk about how to make choices based on what really matters to you.

And because making these choices is hard- we’ll discuss how to communicate your choices to others- especially when they might not be happy about them!

By the end of these podcasts, you’ll have a concrete plan, know exactly what your next steps are and be ready to enjoy the holiday season instead of merely surviving it!

Specifically, these audio recordings will help you:

• Recognize and address the physiological effects of overwhelm
• Connect with the holiday traditions and activities that matter most to you and feel OK about dropping the rest
• End the martyr syndrome and get comfortable asking for help (We’ll cover the details of what, why, when, and most importantly HOW to ask for help!)
• Create a do-able game plan for the next few weeks

This is the third year I’ve offered this class specially designed to take the overwhelm out of holiday preparations and every year it’s made a big difference in helping busy moms (like you!) get a grip on all the demands of the season in a way that feels good to them and their families.

In the past, it has been a paid class, but this year I was moved to offer it as a gift to every mom who is ready to take some of the overwhelm out of the holiday season to make room for more peace and joy.

So with that, I offer you the first two podcasts (click to play the recording now, or right click to ‘save link as’ to download to your computer.)

Step 1 Check in and Slow it Down

Step 2 Write it Down

Please let me know if you have any comments or questions!

And also- please share this with any other moms you know who could use a little more peace and joy and a little less overwhelm this month!

May your days be filled with peace and joy until next time!

P.S.  If you’re in the Boulder area, I’m offering a live workshop version of this class.  Click here for more information!

Cottonwood Branches

Last month, we had a big snowstorm here in the front range.  Nearly a foot of heavy, wet snow fell overnight downing trees all over the area.

Colorado is of course no stranger to snow, and the people and ecosystem are well adapted to the changing rhythms of the seasons.  (In other words, no snow day!) In most cases, this storm would have come and gone without much fanfare.

However the timing of this storm reminded us that the seasons of nature aren’t always quite as regular or orderly as we might suppose.  This time the snow came before the diminishing light and cooler temperatures had signaled the leaves to dry out. And before the winds that usually come whistling down the mountains in the fall had had a chance to blow the dried leaves to the ground.

And the impact of this awkward timing was evident all over, including in our backyard!

What was so striking to me was that this was a vivid example of something that I’d been thinking about since I heard Cairene MacDonald talking about transitions and the difference between what happens when we resist them, and when we don’t.

She reminded us that we’re nearly always in transition in one form or another, whether it’s transitioning from one activity or another or one phase of business to another.  And goodness knows as moms, we’re constantly witnessing our children transitioning from one stage to another.  Newborn to infant… infant to toddler… etc.  And our parenting has to constantly shift as well.  It takes a lot of conscious awareness to keep up with where our kids are instead of where they were two months or two minutes ago!

So riffing on this article, Cairene described the natural cycles of change using a deciduous tree as an example: birth, growth, maturity, turbulence, hibernation, and rebirth.

Turbulence is a natural part of the cycle of growth and is a signal that it’s time for a change.  When we look at the natural world, it is obvious that turbulence is a beneficial force- not a sign that something is wrong.

At one point Cairene said something that really struck me:

Nature doesn’t resist change.  Only humans do.

The tree doesn’t say, “But I don’t want to drop my leaves!  I’ve spent all summer getting them just right!”

When I heard that, a light bulb went on in my head.  I saw the whole picture in my head immediately: and said to the class, “Of course.. trees HAVE to drop their leaves or else when the snow comes, they will lose entire branches.”

Little did I know when I said that (way back in September!) that I would have such a real-life demonstration of this lesson!

When we look at the natural world it’s so easy to see the valuable role of turbulence in protecting the tree as a whole, and how much more vulnerable it would be if the winds didn’t regularly come.  We don’t think the tree is sick when its leaves start to change color and dry out, we recognize this as a normal part of the natural process.

But in our human lives, we often assume that turbulence (whether it’s with our children, our spouse, our community, our household routines, etc) is a sign that something is wrong.  When those first leaves start to fall (when we forget a bill, or something upsets us beyond what seems reasonable), we think it might be a signal that something very bad is (or might be) happening.

When we think something might be wrong, we tend to get scared, and when this happens, we humans seem to hold on even tighter to the status quo instead of recognizing turbulence as a signal to start dropping things.

Especially when it’s something we wanted, or something that’s been around so long we can’t quite imagine life without it, it can be very hard to imagine dropping these leaves!  Goodness knows I’ve certainly been reluctant to let go of things (and by things I mean things- clothes, furniture, books, etc… but also ideas, projects, plans, expectations and relationships.

But can you imagine a tree protesting, “It can’t be fall yet!  I’m not ready to lose my leaves!”? It’s really such a silly image!

Unlike trees, however, humans have a choice about how to deal with turbulence.  We can go with it, responding to the signal to start dropping things, or we can resist it, in which case chaos often results.

The tangle of broken tree limbs, power outages and blocked driveways was a vivid testimonial to the chaos that can result when the trees don’t have the chance to respond to the call to drop their leaves.

Finding the Fractal Flowers

Taking a step backwards, I find it especially interesting to note the fractal nature of nature- a tree that doesn’t drop its leaves risks its branches.  And a tree that doesn’t drop its branches risks being toppled completely.

Another fractal image is the larger cycles that encompass and reflect the smaller ones.

This ‘early’ snowstorm may seem out of time, out of step with the rhythms of the seasons, but perhaps there is a bigger cycle at work.  Just as the trees shed their leaves to make room for new growth in the spring, the loss of individual branches, or even whole trees is another version of letting some things drop away to make room for new growth.

And as if this weren’t enough to ponder for one day- this showed up in my morning newspaper:

Nature is ever at work building and pulling down, creating and destroying, keeping everything whirling and flowing, allowing no rest but in rhythmical motion, chasing everything in endless song out of one beautiful form into another.

John Muir

What do you think?

Are you like me?   Do you tend to hold on even tighter to the status quo when things get rocky?  And have you ever experienced the broken branches that result from a refusal to drop your leaves? (I know I have!) 

Do you see other fractals here that I don’t?

Why is it so much easier to enjoy the building than the destroying phases of nature and our own lives?  

Please share in the comments!

P.S.  Cairene has just released her latest masterpiece: How to Get Out of the Quicksand of Overwhelm.  In case you don’t know her, let me just say that Cairene knows that we creative types are bound to get ourselves into sticky situations biting off more than we can chew.  With great humor and compassion, she helps them us gently extricate ourselves and create paths and early warning systems so that we don’t fall into the same hole more than once!

I have this ebook myself and can tell you there’s lots of great stuff in there. She helps you figure out which leaves to drop, and what comes next in a way that keeps you moving forward in a gentle but steady way.

When I was growing up, there was a magnet that hung on our fridge for as long as I can remember.  It said:

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

Thanks to the magic of google, I see that Gloria Steinem is the source.  Makes total sense.

I’m thinking about this quote, because it seems very relevant to today’s topic.

Last time, I told you that you were not behind.  And I hope that made you feel just a little bit better about things.  The corollary, however is a bit more… complicated.

And it is this:  You will never catch up.

I know.  It seems like a depressing thought, right?

 The fantasy of Being All Caught Up

I don’t know about you, but I often imagine some magical time (hopefully in the not-too-distant future) when I am All Caught Up.

In that world, there will be:

• No unread email in my inbox.
• No laundry in the hamper or dirty dishes in the sink.
• No pile of unread books by my bed.
• No backlog of projects waiting to be finished.
• No library books, milk bottles or videos to return.
• No weeds to be pulled or leaves to be raked.
• No paperwork to be filled out, or filed, or mailed.
• No bank statements to be reconciled, or receipts to be filed.

There’s more to my fantasy, but you get the idea….

And in this imaginary world, I am free!  Free to create, to write, to design and create workshops and classes… free to write blog posts and newsletters and even (heaven forbid!) a book or two.

But of course as soon as I actually imagine the possibility of this magical moment, I see the absurdity of it.  An empty email box will stay that way for about 30 seconds.  An empty dishwasher will only last until the next meal, an empty laundry basket until bedtime.

And honestly… the thought of no books on my nightstand is much more depressing than the pile that’s already there!  I’ll never ‘catch up’ on all the books I want to read, because I add books to the list way faster than I can cross them off.  Same with all my various projects.

As Havi reminded us in our class, because we are creative, we are coming up with ideas way faster than we could possibly execute them.  (See also Patti Digh: Creative is a Verb: If you’re alive, you’re creative).

And in fact… when I imagine myself free from all these various unfinished (or unfinishable) projects, the very first thing I would do is…. start another project!

Is this the good news or the bad news?

Like most great truths, ‘you will never catch up’ is probably a little bit of both.   The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off!

There can be an audible sigh of relief when we stop trying to do the impossible.  So that’s the good news.

The bad news (or maybe it’s more good news) is that you (and I!) have one less excuse not to do the things that really matter.

As any mom will testify, there are more than enough never-ending tasks to keep us all occupied 24/7.  And of course I’m not suggesting you stop doing laundry or washing dishes altogether.  (As lovely as that might be!)

What I am suggesting is that the notion of ‘catching up’ is a hamster wheel that we can run around on all day long- OR we can step off the wheel.  It doesn’t mean we’ll stop doing the things that need doing, but we won’t be waiting around until they are ‘done’ to get on with what we really want to do.

So my question for you today is…  What is your ‘all caught up’ fantasy?  If you stopped spending so much time and energy trying to ‘catch up,’ what would you do, (what could you do) instead?

P.S.  If this question feels kind of intimidating- I get it.  In fact, that’s one of the big reasons I’m here- to help moms figure out how to get off the hamster wheel that keeps them from doing the thing they really want to do.  Remember- you’re not behind (and let’s work together to help you get to where you want to be)!