So this weekend, I was moving through the house tending to some of the various piles that have collected over the last month or so and come across a handful of birthday cards I’d picked up a few weeks ago and still haven’t mailed.

I found the monster truck birthday card for my nephew, the sparkly pink card for my niece, the guy’s guy card for my brother in law.  Also in this pile is the card in the photo.

In case you can’t read it, it says,

Sure, as we age we tend to forget things—but there’s a positive side to memory loss…

I wish I were kidding, but I can’t for the life of me remember who I got this one for.

So what, exactly, is the positive side of memory loss?   I guess in this case it’s the chance to laugh at myself (or else I’d have to cry!)

How about you?  Has anything like this ever happened to you?  What do you think the positive side of memory loss is???

This is your brain on children:   in which we discuss sleep deprivation.

Some of you may have grown up (as I did) under the Regan era ‘war on drugs.’  One of the hallmarks of that time was a TV ad intended to terrify impressionable youngsters into permanent abstinence.  From drugs that is…  I can’t say how effective it was at that mission, but subsequent generations have certainly benefited from the potential for parody that it offered.  Turns out they could have used the same ad to induce abstinence from sex, because what drugs do to your brain is nothing compared to what kids can accomplish.  Drugs may fry your brain, but kids are guaranteed to scramble it!

Seriously.

Every mom I know has at one point said (or yelled) “YOU KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!”  And the funny part is it’s true.  Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reading and have learned some fascinating things about why having kids can change you from being a relatively sane, competent adult into a spacey, forgetful, raving lunatic with alarming frequency.

The good news is- it’s not you.  That is it’s not only you.  The bad news is that there is no cure, though there may be treatment!

What’s the big deal about sleep?

File under clueless but well-intentioned:  The friend or relative who says to the pregnant woman, “You’d better sleep all you can now, because once the baby comes, you’ll never sleep again.”

This would always annoy the bejeezus out of me, because first of all, I love sleep.  Love.  It.

But as much as I loved sleep, I knew even then that sleep isn’t like money.  You can’t save it up for later.  As all you moms who spent the last bit of pregnancy on bed rest can attest- no matter how much sleep you get before the baby is born, it doesn’t mean you can go without sleep for the next few weeks or months afterwards!

Everyone knows that sleep deprivation comes with the territory of motherhood.  It’s kinda like poopy diapers.  No one escapes.  But unlike poopy diapers, sleep deprivation can really mess with your head.  And your body.  And your relationships.

Sleep deprivation can make you crazy

Science has proven unequivocally that sleep deprivation makes you crazy.  Severe, prolonged sleep deprivation can make you dangerously crazy.  But less extreme sleep-deprivation can make you feel like you’re losing your marbles.

Every mom I know has stories to tell of feeling like a zombie shortly after the birth of her children.

My best/worst was the time I found my car keys in the refrigerator.  I have no idea how they got there, but I tore the house apart, completely emptied my purse, dumped the diaper bag on the floor, searched every nook and cranny of the car…you get the idea.   I had even dug out the spare set of keys to use until I could get a replacement for the (expensive!) electronic key and was wondering how long I could go before I informed my dear husband of the situation….

But I digress…

Do any of these symptoms sound familiar:

• Fatigue
• Lethargy
• Lack of energy
• Exaggerated or dampened emotional responses
• Clumsiness, bumping into things
• Difficulty concentrating
• Lack of interest in activities (even pleasurable ones)
• Inability to complete tasks
• Spaciness
• Distractibility
• Forgetfulness
• Losing or misplacing things
• Overwhelm
• Irritability
• Anxiety

Some of these are typically associated with depression.  Some are typically associated with ADD/ADHD.  All are possible effects of sleep deprivation.

It’s not a pretty picture!

Lack of sleep really does impact your mental and emotional functioning.

If you’re accustomed to being largely in control of your mental and emotional faculties, it can come as a bit of a shock to find yourself snapping at your kids for no good reason, or forgetting why you went downstairs.

One way to think about it is that sleep deprivation is like not having any shock absorbers on your car.  You would feel every little crack, bump and rock in the road and probably wouldn’t enjoy the ride much.

When you’ve had enough sleep, you’re able to handle the little things (and the not so little ones) that come up every day in the life of a mom.  The ride is much smoother and more fun for everyone.

Kids cause sleep deprivation

Well duh… this seems too obvious to mention.   But here’s the thing.  It’s not just moms of very young children who are suffering from sleep deprivation.

The worst of it definitely comes early.  But kids eventually do sleep through the night, so you ‘d think that moms would catch a break right?

Wrong.

There seem to be three kinds of obstacles to getting a good night’s sleep:  getting to bed, getting to sleep and staying asleep.

Problems Getting to Bed

Problem number one is that we don’t put ourselves to bed at a reasonable hour.  Let’s face it, after tending to the needs of other people all day, nighttime is often the only time a mom has a minute to herself.

That’s when we chill out, watch TV, read, knit, get on the computer, or even do housework, pay bills or handle other tasks that are hard to get to in the chaos of life.  And then (if you’re anything like me) I get on a roll and want to do just one more thing.  One more page (or chapter), one more row of knitting, one more email to read or answer, one more little chore.  And the next thing you know, it’s waaayyy late!

Late night is often the only time mom and dad have together without the kids.  Maybe you snuggle up and watch a movie together.  Or maybe this is when you talk about whose family to visit for the holidays.  Or what to do about the gutters that need repairing.

Sometimes this chill time can set us up for a good night’s sleep.  But not always.

Problems falling asleep

If having unpaid bills sitting on your desk is causing you anxiety, then taking care of them before turning in might help you relax and go to sleep.  But if you end up worrying about how you’re going to pay for Janie’s braces or looking at how your 501k has tanked, the chances of a good night’s sleep just dropped as well.  Worse yet if you end up in an argument with your husband about money right before bed.

Of course anxiety in any form can make it hard to sleep, and I have yet to meet a mother who wasn’t stressed or that didn’t worry about something.  It seems to be part of the job description.  Sometimes I feel like there’s a little 24 hour worry channel in my brain.  “All worries all the time…” Everything from wondering if I have another jar of AJ’s favorite jelly for his lunch tomorrow, to suddenly remembering my library books are overdue, to thinking about what’s going to happen if we don’t get this global warming thing figured out.  Nothing is too small or too large, too mundane or too irrational when this channel is tuned in!

And speaking of channels, it seems that the blue-spectrum light that most TVs and computers emits delays the production of melatonin- the hormone that signals the body that it’s time to sleep, so watching TV or spending time on email or Facebook right before bed might make it harder to fall asleep.

So even once you get yourself in bed, there’s no guarantee that sleep will come quickly.  And even if you fall asleep, there’s no guarantee that you’ll stay asleep or sleep deeply enough to get your full quota of REM sleep.

Problems Staying Asleep

This might be the most striking thing of all.  Unlike poopy diapers, sleep deprivation may continue indefinitely for moms.

A couple of years ago I read an article that said that becoming a mother may permanently alter a woman’s sleeping patterns.  (I’ve searched the internets for this to the limit of my attention span- if anyone finds the original study or article I’ll give you full credit and might even send you cookies!)

The upshot of the article was that moms are sleep deprived not just in the early weeks and months when we’re waking every few hours to feed an infant, though that’s what everyone seems to focus on.  From the time the baby is born, moms tend to sleep with ‘one eye open.’  We’re alert to every movement and sound or lack thereof from our baby’s room.  And this pattern of sleeping apparently persists long after the kid is sleeping through the night.  We hear them when they get up to go pee.  Moms of teens report listening for the sound of the door opening so they know their kid is in for the night.

Sleeping this way, we miss out on that all important REM sleep- the kind that seems to be most important for restoring our cognitive functioning.

And then there’s the hormone factor.  Fluctuating estrogen levels are responsible for insomnia at various stages of a woman’s life.  For many women, sleeplessness is connected to PMS.    For some of us, just about the time the kids are sleeping soundly, we’re not.  Perimenopause has begun and often the first thing women will notice is- guess what?  Insomnia.  Specifically, waking in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep.

It’s really not fair!  Even when there’s no kid to wake us up, we’re up anyway!

Kids really do make you crazy

So there you have the perfect logical syllogism:

• Sleep deprivation makes you crazy.
• Kids cause sleep deprivation.
• Therefore, kids make you crazy.

So what’s a mom to do?

Let’s assume ditching the kids isn’t an option.  After all, if the research is right, the damage has already been done!

But there is hope for sleep deprived moms, no matter how old your kids are.

The first thing to do is give yourself a break.  If you’ve been beating yourself up for forgetting things, having a hard time getting things done, or being short with your family- realize that there’s a good chance it’s not because you’re a lousy mom.  The brain simply doesn’t function well without adequate sleep.

So how do moms get enough sleep?

Here’s a laundry list of tried and true suggestions:

• Try to set things up so that your ‘me time’ doesn’t always come at the end of the day.  (Easier said than done, I know!)
• Give yourself a reasonable bed time and stick to it.  I know a teacher of Chinese medicine who says that the hours before midnight count for twice as much as the hours after midnight in terms of restful sleep.  Experiment-see what you think!
• Build yourself a soothing bedtime routine.  Would a bath be nice?  Some relaxing music?  A little light reading?  Repeating the same series of activities sends your brain the signal that it’s time to sleep.
• Let it go… the laundry can get folded tomorrow.  The email will still be there.
• Make a list- if there’s something you need to do, or don’t want to forget- make a list.
• Write it down- for more abstract, free-floating worries, writing them down can help get them out of your head and onto the page.  Often the act of articulating your worries makes them seem much more manageable.
• Save the intense conversations for daylight hours and try not to go to bed angry.
• Turn off the TV and computers an hour before bedtime.
• Limit caffeine and alcohol, especially before bedtime.
• Exercise, but not right before bedtime.

If you do wake up in the middle of the night experts say you shouldn’t stay in bed watching the clock.  They recommend getting out of bed after 20-30 minutes and going into another room to read or do something else until you get sleepy again.   If you have any hope of going back to sleep, keep the lights low, and don’t turn on the TV or computer.

When I find myself awake in the middle of the night with my brain spinning in circles, I have had good results with the homeopathic remedy coffea cruda and a little lavender oil.

If all else fails, take a nap.  While the experts discourage long naps during the day, because they can make it harder to sleep at night, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to grab 40 winks.

And please, please, please, if you think you might be suffering from something more serious than sleep deprivation, consult your healthcare practitioner.  There is help available for you.

What about you?  What keeps you up at night?  What helps you sleep?  Please share in the comments!

Part 1 of this post is here, in which we discuss the phenomena of overwhelm and begin to get a grip.  When we left off, I had managed to calm myself somewhat with a few deep breaths and some time spent noticing what was really going on in my body, emotions and thought processes.

You may recall from this post a brief primer on neurobiology- but the upshot for today’s purposes is that the nervous system can either be in survival mode or critical thinking mode.  Never both at the same time.

When we’re in overwhelm, our nervous systems react as if there is a tiger about to eat us.  The range of options gets narrowed down to the basics:  fight, flight or freeze.  That’s where you get the racing heart, shallow breathing and the bizarre combination of hair-trigger reflexes and paralysis.  Executive functions like long range planning go right out the window.

Because none of the items on my plate are actual emergencies, the fight/flight/freeze responses are not all that helpful in actually getting anything done, never mind making a plan.

Noticing my breathing, feeling the anxiety and hearing the exaggerated doomsday scenarios in my head allow me to shift out of this state.

Once I’ve calmed myself, I can begin to switch from survival mode to higher-order thinking and actually make a plan.  (Quick note- the chemicals that are released during the experience of overwhelm take a while- from a few minutes to a few hours- to completely clear your system.  So be gentle!)

First, make a list

Getting the list out of my head and onto paper lets me see that what looked like an infinite list is not really infinite, no matter how many pieces of paper it takes!

Once I’ve got the list on paper, I often see that what I put as one item really involves several steps.  For instance: “Write articles” is not just one action.  If I have three articles, it’s at least three steps.  But of course it’s more than that.  The simplest article requires at least one or two interviews before I even begin to write.  So for one article the list looks something like this:

• Find phone number for X
• Call X (Interview or set up time for interview)
• Interview X
• Write article (I’m chunking several steps together here!)
• Write photo cap (if necessary)
• Email editor.
• Don’t forget to attach article and photo!

While it may seem that breaking this one task down into so many more steps would lead to more overwhelm, my experience is that it does just the opposite.

Overwhelm says, “I can’t do it all.”

Breaking things down makes it much easier to take the first action- EVEN IF I’m still in the grip of overwhelm.

I say to myself, “Even if I can’t do it all, I can at the very least find the phone number.”

And then, “Even if I can’t do it all, I can at least call this person.”

Taking some action, no matter how small it may seem, means I’m no longer paralyzed.

And one small action leads to another, which leads to another… and before you know it, things are getting done.

Make a plan

The other reason to break things down into their most basic steps is that it helps me see how to sequence tasks and when I can do each one.  Here’s where the higher-order thinking skills come in handy.  I have to find the phone number before I can call the person.  Sounds simple, but I’m guessing I’m not the only one that ends up spinning in circles over something like this.  Some things on my list can happen only during business hours.   Some things can only happen after business hours.  Some things (like writing) can be done late at night.

The next step is to take my list of concrete actions and my calendar and figure out (roughly) how long each might take and (roughly) when I’m going to do each thing.  The neo-cortex is back in action, planning and strategizing.

This probably more than anything else helps calm the feeling of overwhelm.  Even if I haven’t actually DONE any of the action items, knowing when they are going to get done calms the nervous system.  I can actually notice my breathing shift, and the panicked feelings subside.

Sometimes this exercise reveals that it actually will be impossible to do everything.

In this case, I still have more options than when I’m in overwhelm.  When I can see that it’s just not gonna happen- there are simply not enough hours between now and then, I can start to manage my commitments.

I can identify those that have ‘hard’ deadlines and those that are softer.  What can I change, rearrange, reschedule?  What can’t I?

Are there standing commitments I have (like yoga class) that I’m willing or able to let slide this week?

Which of the consequences that are actually likely to occur (not the worst case scenarios I imagine in the throes of overwhelm) am I most willing/unwilling to deal with?

What phone calls, emails, conversations do I need to have to make the necessary arrangements or adjustments?

Sometimes breaking things down reveals at least a couple of items that can be delegated.  When I broke down “mom/dad birthdays” into its more basic parts, I realized that I already had cards for them both (major accomplishment there!) and a present for my mom.  So I was left with this list:

• Buy present (dad)
• Wrap presents
• Mail presents

I’m the only one who could do item 1.  I could potentially delegate item two, but I probably won’t.   But item three… now there’s a good candidate for delegation.  My husband goes by the post office a couple of times a week.  Chances are good that if I get the packages ready, he’d be happy to drop them in the mail for me.

Without chunking down, I could never have seen any part of this task as one I wouldn’t have to do.

Overwhelm says, “I can’t do it all,” and implies that we have to do it all alone.

Delegating, or asking for help says, “I’m not alone.  I don’t have to do it all by myself.”

With my list and my plan, courtesy of the neocortex, I’m in much better shape.  Now, some of that adrenaline that may still be floating around in my system can actually help me kick it into high gear and start getting it done!

The Clip and Save Checklist:

I don’t know a mom anywhere who doesn’t feel overwhelmed at some time or other.   The next time you’re in the grip of that panicky feeling and find yourself spinning in circles, give yourself a few minutes to give this a try, even though you might not want to!  It’s OK.  Allow yourself not to want to.  And then give it a try anyway.

• Check in with your breathing.  Observe your body as it moves through space.
• Notice your emotions.  What are you feeling?  No need to judge or try to change them, just notice.
• Listen carefully to the voices in your head.  What are they saying?  Is it true?  Really true?   How would you know if it weren’t?
• Make a list- a long and through list.
• Make a plan- what will you do and when will you do it?
• Renegotiate if necessary
• Delegate and connect if possible
• Even though you can’t do it all, do one small thing.  Rinse and repeat.

What helps you manage (or avoid!) overwhelm?  Let us know in the comments!

If you liked this post, you might want to sign up for my newsletter (the little box in the corner).  I took all the best stuff from these two posts, turned them into a workbook and audio that will help talk you down from overwhelm.  I think it rocks.  You might too.

One day at a time

When I saw this card in the shop, I simply HAD to have it.  I keep it in my binder to remind me that it’s not just me. Nearly every mom I know feels completely overwhelmed from time to time.  It’s hitting me this week with a vengeance.  Obligations that once seemed soooo far away are all of a sudden upon me.  It’s deadline week, both my parents birthdays are this week and I’m on for doing a talk at my women’s networking group.  None of these are exactly surprises, or last minute matters, but they’re all hitting at the same time.  And then there’s the normal life stuff which can be broken down into biz life, home life and volunteer life.  Nothing urgent on those fronts, but enough regular commitments to keep me busy in a “normal” week and more than enough to flip me into overwhelm this week. Since I’m there, I figured I might as well use this opportunity to dissect the phenomena of overwhelm in order to help myself- and perhaps one or two other moms as well.

Symptoms of Overwhelm:

When I work with clients, I often have them describe their experience in terms of the physical sensations, emotional responses and thoughts/words that are running. So when I check into my physical sensations, I notice that my breathing is shallow and fairly rapid and there’s a tightness in my stomach.  I’m feeling jittery, moving quickly from task to task, (either mentally or physically) without bringing any of them to completion. Sometimes (though not at this moment) overwhelm manifests as a feeling of physical exhaustion.  Inertia sets in and I’m unable to move at all. Right now, my thoughts and words are scattered and moving rapidly.  I’m pretty sure my voice is coming out just a bit louder than normal and I can hear an edge to it. Emotionally, I’m feeling fearful.  At its worst, overwhelm brings on feelings almost like panic.  Right now, in addition to the fear and anxiety, I feel isolated and unconnected from those around me.  This is showing up in this moment as annoyance and irritability. Mentally, I’m not very sharp at all.  For me, thinking I must be losing my mind is often an early warning signal of overwhelm.  My short-term memory seems to be non-existent as I find myself wondering what I’m doing in the kitchen or who I was just going to call. The thoughts looping through my head sound like this:

• I’ll never be able to get it all done.
• These people (my family, people calling on the phone, anyone who looks like a distraction at this moment) are totally in my way- if they’d just go away and leave me alone I could get all this stuff done.
• If I weren’t so disorganized, I could get it all done.
• If I weren’t such an idiot, I would have planned better and not gotten myself into this situation AGAIN!
• You always do this to yourself.
• I’m totally incompetent and they’re all going to finally figure it out.
• They’re all going to be disappointed because I’m doing such a crappy job on this.
• They’re all going to hate me.
• No one can help me.
• I have to do all this stuff all by myself.

And so on and so on. Oy… Notice how these aspects form a very tight and coherent system.  The thoughts reinforce the emotions of fear and isolation.  The physical sensations are of an organism that’s on high-alert.  When the voices are so loud and annoying, there’s virtually no chance of completing a thought process or task efficiently. Is it any wonder I’m spinning in a circle that gets tighter and tighter with every revolution?

So what helps?  How am I going to get myself out of this mess?

First of all, just notice what’s going on.

Noticing that my breathing is shallow, I can decide to take a deeper breath.  Or if even that is too much for the moment, I can just notice my breathing without judgment. Being aware of my emotions and holding myself gently in them.  “Oh, so I guess I’m feeling a little scared.”  “I really am feeling isolated.”  Not rushing in to do anything about it (because that would just give me one more thing to do) but really holding the gentle awareness of what I’m feeling at this very moment. Slowing down just enough to really listen to the voices in my head.  Until I typed that list, I really had no clear idea of what they were actually saying.  I could hear the general tone of the din, but not the actual words.  Having it out there in black and white, I can see that these thoughts are clearly not the literal truth. Words like “always,” “never,” “they,” and other forms of exaggeration or generalization are usually a clue that I’m not solidly in touch with reality.  But again, rather than argue with these voices, a more gentle form of engagement is possible.

Reality Check

“They’re all going to hate me.”  Oh really?  Who are ‘they’ anyway?  And will they really hate you?  What do you think that would look  like? When I think of the actual people in my life, it’s easy to see that these concrete individuals would never hate me, even if I don’t get all the stuff on my list taken care of. When I get to this point, I can ask questions like, “So what’s the worst thing that really might happen if you don’t get X done?” When I do this I get a good chuckle at myself because the truth of the matter is that I’m really not all that important.  The voices in my head seem to have an exaggerated sense of their/my importance.  But the fact is that if none of the things that feel so ridiculously urgent at this moment get done, the consequences are really pretty minor, compared with the racket in my head.  The world will not come to an end, and no one is going to die because of anything I do or don’t do in the next week. If my articles are late, it’s not like the front page of the New York Times will have a huge blank spot.   I won’t even get fired.  Realistically, it will mean that the editor is crunched on her deadline.  If I’m really late, the layout person could be inconvenienced because she won’t be able to finish the layout… etc, etc.  So there are real consequences- but nothing like those that run around in my head. If the birthday presents don’t arrive on time, will my parents disown me?  Of course not.  Frankly, they would probably be more surprised if I do get their gifts there on time.  Either way, in a month, none of us will remember when the packages arrived. As for the talk to my networking group, this one feels important because it’s an opportunity I don’t want to miss.  I know I can pull something together on the fly and it will be OK.  But I’m going for more than OK here.  The truth is that this group may or may not notice a huge difference, but I will.  So this one is more about not disappointing myself than anyone else.

Ahhhhh….

So, with a bit of breathing, levity and clarity, the overwhelm has loosed its grip just a smidge.  Now I can start to think a little more clearly and make a plan.

Since this post is already WAY long, I’ll fill you in on this bit next time.  At which point I’ll give you step-by-step suggestions for how to overcome overwhelm.

Does this ring any bells for you?  How does overwhelm hit you physically, emotionally and mentally?  What soundtrack loops in your head in those hard moments?  What helps you overcome overwhelm?

Let us know in the comments! If you haven’t already, don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss anything.  And if you know another mom who might enjoy this, send it her way

If you liked this post, you might want to sign up for my newsletter (the little box in the corner).  I took all the best stuff from these two posts and turned them into a workbook and audio that will help talk you down!  I think it rocks.  Maybe you will too.

This is the second in a series of posts that I’m calling, “This is Your Brain on Children.”  In case you missed it, you can read the first installment here.

Some of you may have grown up (as I did) under the Regan era ‘war on drugs.’  One of the hallmarks of that time was a TV ad intended to terrify impressionable youngsters into permanent abstinence.  From drugs that is…  I can’t say how effective it was at that mission, but subsequent generations have certainly benefited from the potential for parody that it offered.  Turns out they could have used the same ad to induce abstinence from sex, because what drugs do to your brain is nothing compared to what kids can accomplish.  Drugs may fry your brain, but kids are guaranteed to scramble it!

Seriously.

Every mom I know has at one point said (or yelled) “YOU KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!”  And the funny part is it’s true.  Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reading and have learned some fascinating things about why having kids can change you from being a relatively sane, competent adult into a spacey, forgetful, raving lunatic with alarming frequency.

The good news is- it’s not you.  That is it’s not only you.  The bad news is that there is no cure, though there may be treatment!  It’s all part of how we’re wired as mammals to attend and care for our young and ensure the survival of the species.  (Yeah I know, sometimes it seems like bad programming!)

Fair warning:  I am a geek and a former academic- so you can expect to see references quoted and noted- though I will try to keep it to a minimum and promise not subject either of us to APA format!

In the first installment in this series, we consider the time honored adage, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

We left off with the observation that because of the way we’re wired, limbic resonance- that is the mutual adjustment of physiological and emotional states will happen.  What that means is that like it or not, mom’s emotional state is going to affect the other members of the household.

So let’s look at the flip side of this:  how do we make sure that mama stays happy?

Honoring ‘negative’ emotions

Part of the trouble here is that some of our emotions have gotten a bad rap.  These days we’re caught in a culture that emphasizes ‘positive thinking’ to the nth degree and one of the consequences is that respectable emotions like anger, sadness and fear have been demonized.  And then of course we’ve probably all witnessed occasions where someone was overtaken by their anger and did some damage- whether physical or emotional.

Understandably, we have some reservations about letting these emotions in (or out).  But maybe a better understanding of what these emotions are all about, and the important role they play in protecting our physical and emotional well-being will help.

Below are some of the most basic ‘negative’ emotions.  There are, of course, variations on a theme- but most of the emotions we try to avoid have one of these at their root.  These descriptions are based on Martha Beck’s chart in “Finding your Own North Star” with my embellishments:

• Anger: Helps us protect our dignity or correct injustice.  Motivates us to restorative action
• Fear: Alerts us to danger.  Heightens perception and prepares us for protective action (fight or flight).
• Sadness/Grief: Appropriate response to loss.  Alerts us to importance.  When honored, enables healing and resilience.
• Exhaustion: State of mental and/or physical depletion.  Inclines/compels us to rest.  *this is not one of Beck’s primary emotions, but since it’s another of those things that mothers aren’t supposed to feel, I’m putting it on this list.

Each of these states has a distinctive physiological counterpart that readies the body for the appropriate action.  Fear and anger can both cause a surge of adrenaline, preparing for fight, or flight.  Sadness and grief slow us way down, making action all but impossible and setting the stage for a phase of ‘non-doing’ in which to process our loss.  Exhaustion insists that we stop.  Period.

These physiological processes cannot be overridden by the rational mind.  Nearly every mom has a story of losing her kid in the store or at the park or somewhere…  Remember that terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach?  That frantic, yet completely purposeful searching?  When you finally find them, your rational mind can understand that the danger is past- but the limbic system takes a while to catch up.  Those stress hormones take time to clear the system, and until they do, your heart will still be racing.  Is it any wonder that in those situations, the first words out of our mouths carry a tone of fear and even anger rather than love and relief?

So maybe you can see how some of these emotions can actually serve us, at least in some situations.

But we don’t want our emotions running roughshod over every member of the household.  Just because the dog has gone on a rampage and chewed our favorite pumps, and then puked little bits of leather onto the new carpet leaving a nasty stain doesn’t mean that everyone in the household needs to pay.

Oddly enough, however, our well-meaning attempts to protect our families from these strong emotions doesn’t work.  As noted in the earlier post, the limbic system never lies.  So you can tell your kids that you’re not upset, but your words and your body will be contradicting each other.  They will pick up the vibe.  And now everybody is just confused.  You’re not stomping around in a rage, screaming and threatening bodily harm to the poor dog, instead, you’re snapping at everybody else over the least little thing.  But really, you’re FINE!

Honoring the negative makes transformation possible

Resisting the ‘negative’ emotion doesn’t help.  Nor does denying it, whether to yourself or others.

So how do we use our emotions (even the negative ones) to point us towards happiness?

• First- name the emotion.  Even if it’s only to yourself.  Acknowledge that you feel angry, afraid, irritated, exhausted, whatever.  Leave aside for the moment the question of whether the emotion is ‘justified’ or ‘appropriate.’  For now- just name it.
• Second- Notice how this emotion manifests in your body.  Is your jaw clenched?  Is your breathing shallow?  How about that knot in your stomach?  Just notice what is going on for you without judgement.
• Third- Only when steps one and two are complete, ask yourself why you are feeling this way.  What happened and what is the story you are telling yourself about it?  Here’s where the neocortex- the seat of logic and reasoning comes into the picture.  Is the danger real?  Ok then, what needs to happen next?  Was there an injustice done?  If so, what needs to be done to rectify the situation?  Was there something lost?  If so, what was it and how can you honor its significance?

Ideally you would have someone to listen to you as you move through these steps.  It’s really important that such a person understand that their job is to listen.  Period.  Not to solve the problem, agree with you that your husband is a lousy, rotten jerk for leaving the dishes in the sink, or even to reassure you that it will all be OK.  They should really just listen.  You may already have a friend who can do this.  Take advantage!  And, of course, return the favor when appropriate!

If no friend is available, writing out what’s going on can help.  If, in the heat of the moment, even that’s not possible, at least take a moment to breathe and articulate your emotions, the sensations and your thoughts on the situation to yourself.

At the end of this process, you will at least have gotten your limbic system and your neocortex on the same page.  Even if you realize that your fear was unfounded, you can say to yourself, or your kid, “Wow, I was really afraid something bad was going to happen.  Now I see you are safe, and I can start to relax, but I’m not quite there yet.”

You will also be in a much better position to recognize and solve real problems.  Maybe your exhaustion has uncovered a need for more sleep that is not being met, or your anger has revealed an agreement that is not being honored.

Once your limbic system has returned to normal, rational conversation will go much better!

More thougts, experiences or questions on limbic resonance?  Please share!

This is the first in a series of posts that I’m calling, “This is Your Brain on Children.”

Some of you may have grown up (as I did) under the Regan era ‘war on drugs.’  One of the hallmarks of that time was a TV ad intended to terrify impressionable youngsters into permanent abstinence.  From drugs that is…  I can’t say how effective it was at that mission, but subsequent generations have certainly benefited from the potential for parody that it offered.  Turns out they could have used the same ad to induce abstinence from sex, because what drugs do to your brain is nothing compared to what kids can accomplish.  Drugs may fry your brain, but kids are guaranteed to scramble it!

Seriously.

Every mom I know has at one point said (or yelled) “YOU KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!”  And the funny part is it’s true.  Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reading and have learned some fascinating things about why having kids can change you from being a relatively sane, competent adult into a spacey, forgetful, raving lunatic with alarming frequency.

The good news is- it’s not you.  That is it’s not only you.  The bad news is that there is no cure, though there may be treatment!  It’s all part of how we’re wired as mammals to attend and care for our young and ensure the survival of the species.  (Yeah I know, sometimes it seems like bad programming!)

Fair warning:  I am a geek and a former academic- so you can expect to see references quoted and noted- though I will try to keep it to a minimum and promise not subject either of us to APA format!

In the first installment in this series, we consider the time honored adage, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

The inspiration for this post comes from my reading of “A General Theory of Love,”  in which three scientists  investigate the neurobiology of emotions.  Read the book for the whole fascinating picture, but here I just want to highlight one key idea which is that as mammals, we are hardwired to tune into the emotional and physiological states of those around us.  Our well being (not to mention the survival of the species depends) on our ability to correctly read these signals and shape our behavior accordingly.

To understand this, even in a cursory way, it will help to understand the anatomy of the brain- at least a little.  The human brain has three distinct, though related parts:

• The Reptilian Brain:  Some might call this the most ‘primative’ aspect of the human brain.  This area of the brain governs breathing, blood circulation, digestion and the other unconscious life processes.  It is also the seat of what we might call ‘instincts,’ the ‘fight or flight’ response, the urge to procreate, and our startle reflexes.
• The Limbic Brain:  Sometimes called the ‘mammalian brain.’  One of the things that distinguishes mammals from reptiles is that they care for their young.  The limbic brain houses the necessary equipment for doing so: the organs of perception and response that distinguish mammals from reptiles.  This is the seat of our emotions and the physiological processes that accompany them.
• The Neocortex: That which makes humans distinctively human.  This is the location for higher-order thinking and reasoning, and in particular for conscious thought and planning.

Limbic Resonance

This is a great phrase for an incredibly complex and completely familiar experience.  Remember when you had a newborn and you would wake up just moments before the baby was ready to nurse?  And you know how if one member of the family has a bad day, pretty soon everyone in the house is grumpy and irritated?  These are experiences of ‘limbic resonance.’

A mammal can detect the internal state of another mammal and adjust its own physiology to match the situation– a change in turn sensed by the other, who likewise adjusts…  Because limbic states can leap between minds, feelings are contagious, while notions are not. (A General Theory of Love, p. 63-64)

I don’t know about you, but when my son was born, for months and months afterward, whenever someone asked how I was, I would always answer in the plural.  ”We’re doing great, how about you?”  or, “Well, we didn’t get much sleep last night, so it’s been kind of  a rough day.”  Remember those days?  If they didn’t sleep, you didn’t sleep.  Somehow I never noticed that working in reverse- but I suppose it’s theoretically possible!

Given that personal identity and autonomy were some of my major interests in grad school, I found it fascinating to watch myself blurring these lines so naturally, and almost involuntarily.  It would have felt incredibly odd (not to mention false) to say, “Well my son has been up all night puking and feels like crap, but I’m doing great!”

Credit limbic resonance for the congruence of emotional and physiological states between mothers and their children.

And so here we have an explanation for that old adage….

If mama ain’t happy, her unhappiness will be contagious.  Even (or perhaps especially) if she denies or tries to hide her unhappiness.

Unlike the neocortex (and the language it enables us to use) the limbic system and its associated physiology never lies.

You know this from your own experience.  You can tell when your kid is upset even when she says otherwise.  And is anything more unnerving than having a conversation with someone who insists that they aren’t angry, but you see the pulsing vein and the clenched jaw?

Yet those of us who pride ourselves on our ability to read others so well, often try to mask our own emotions.  We’ve been led to believe that certain emotions aren’t appropriate for mothers:  anger, frustration, exhaustion, irritation, even sadness and fear.  And so we try to deny or at least camouflage them.

Well I’ve got news for you.

You’re not fooling anybody.  Not really.  The anger comes out in the pots we bang around in the kitchen;  the irritation is evident in our tone, even when our words themselves are innocent.  My son is ridiculously good at calling me on this.  He can spot my impatience, anxiety and frustration in a heartbeat- no matter how much I try to keep my tone light with him.

The limbic system never lies.  And it always affects those around us- it’s just in our wiring.

If you’re like most moms I know, right about now, the guilt is descending…  For all the times you’ve gotten angry (whether you were obvious about it or not).  For all the times you yelled, or spoke with the greatest possible restraint (when you really wanted to yell!).  For the times you went distant in your sadness, so as not to infect your family.

This seems like yet another of those no-win situations moms find themselves in all too often.

But it’s not all bad news.

Because we have such highly attuned limbic systems, our emotional states are bound to affect those around us- and that’s a good thing.  It’s what alerts us to one who is injured, whether physically or emotionally and disposes us to render aid.  It is also what enables us to feel joy at another’s success or good fortune.  In short, it’s what enables us to build and sustain communities small and large.

Because we’re good mommies, we want only our happiness and joy to affect our families, not our anger, sadnes or fear.  But it just doesn’t work that way.

So what’s a mommy to do?

Tune in next week and find out!

Til then, how do you notice ‘limbic resonance’ working in your household, workplace or other social situation?