My job is so full of paradoxes, which is probably part of why I love it.

Right now I’m living the paradox of being tickled pink that three moms have signed up for my upcoming class at Front Range Community College, and at the same time, wanting a few more to come join us for the adventure we’re about to start.

To this end, I wanted to write a blog post about some of the things we’ll be talking about and exploring as part of this class.  So I made a bunch of notes about all the brilliant things I have to say to busy moms about how to shift their lives (and their families) from chaos to calm.  And believe me, I have a lot to say on the subject.

But the first thing I’m going to say to them is this:

There is nothing wrong with you.

No matter what the state of your kitchen, your closets, your appointment book, your checkbook…  There’s nothing wrong with you.

No matter how often you’ve been late for school, lost your keys or forgotten to send a birthday card… There’s nothing wrong with you.

No matter how mad, frustrated or disappointed others have gotten with you, or you’ve gotten with yourself for any of these things…There’s nothing wrong with you.

If they take nothing else from the class, I hope they will take this deep into their hearts, their bodies and their minds.

And herein lies another paradox.

If there’s nothing wrong with them, why sign up for this class (or any other for that matter)?

Because when you think of yourself as ‘disorganized’ it feels like there is something wrong with you.

And the disapproving looks from the school secretary when your kid needs a tardy pass (again!), or the irritation at having to pay late fees for the videos that have been in your car for 3 days (during which time you’ve passed the return slot at least 5 times), or the frustration at having to reschedule an appointment because you got the day wrong are nothing compared to the internal monologue that starts something like this:

O. M. G.  I can’t believe you’ve screwed this up again.  Will you ever get your act together?  Well, I suppose we shouldn’t really expect any different given your track record….

And then it gets worse… sometimes much worse!

So what I want to say to the moms in my class is this:  You are OK right this minute.  Being disorganized is not a moral failing or a personality defect.

At the same time, it can be incredibly frustrating and has some very real costs.

Some of these costs are financial (late fees, fines, etc.).

Sometimes there are lost opportunities (tickets are sold out, summer camp classes fill up).

Often relationships are damaged (a friend is hurt when you forget your coffee date.  Marriages are strained when disorganization leads to chaos in the household).

But the most significant cost of disorganization like this is that moms lose their ability to trust themselves.  And because they don’t trust themselves to handle the ‘little things’ of life, they don’t think they are capable of reaching for more.

Those little monster voices in our heads are very persuasive, because if you can’t even manage to get the kids to school on time, how can you ever hope to do that thing you’ve always wanted to do.

And this is the biggest cost- to these moms, and to us all.  Because right now there is an enormous reservoir of human potential being wasted because a whole bunch of moms think they aren’t ‘organized’ enough to manage their families and also live their own big dreams.

There is art that isn’t being created.  Books that aren’t being written.  Organizations that could change people’s lives for the better that aren’t being started because their creators are overwhelmed by the thought of getting dinner on the table.

There’s something seriously wrong with this picture!

And this is why I’m doing this class. So that a handful of moms can get a grip on the things that are making them crazy.  But mostly so that they can create the time, space and self-trust that it will take to bring their dreams out of hiding and into the world.

So… if this is you or someone you know (in the greater Boulder area), please pass this along.  I’d love to see you (or your friends!) in the class.

Click here for more information and registration.

What do you think isn’t happening because moms think they aren’t organized enough?  Please share in the comments!

A life absent of boldness is a sure path to regret

–Julio Olalla

Wow… That title  probably sounds really obnoxious doesn’t it?

What kind of egotistical attention-seeking blogger would title a post that way?  And worse- implicate you, the modest reader at the same time?  Before you click that little red X and kick me off your screen, let me assure you that I’m no Paris Hilton or Brittney Spears wanna-be.  I’ve never stormed the stage at a concert or flashed anyone on Bourbon street.  You’ll find no video of me on YouTube.  In fact, much as I love to sing and dance, I’ve never done karaoke and can never bring myself to be the first one out on the dance floor.

But wanting an audience doesn’t necessarily mean engaging in embarrassing or self-destructive activities, nor does it mean exposing oneself in inappropriate ways- though given the celebrity culture that surrounds us, it’s no surprise if that is what we imagine.

“Look, Mommy, LOOK!”

How many times have you heard this?  Our kids certainly aren’t shy about demanding an audience.  They insist on having our full attention as they build a tower of blocks, or go off the diving board, or show off their latest creation.  And if they had their way, we would have to watch again, again and again.

Egotistical little brats?  I don’t think so.

I think that they’re looking for a few simple things: acknowledgement, appreciation and encouragement.  My son is just on the cusp of being too old and ‘cool’ to yell for me to watch him, but I see him looking for me as he approaches the end of the diving board to try out his front flip.  I know he’s watching, and give him a little ‘thumbs up’ as he climbs out to do it again.  Once it becomes old hat, he won’t need that acknowledgement, just like he doesn’t need me to watch him tie his shoelaces anymore.

But when we’re stretching ourselves, when we’ve devoted some amount of skill and effort to something, it’s sure nice to have someone notice our achievement.

Seems to me that this is behind our impulse to show off our latest creations, whether it’s a sweater we’ve knitted, a book or proposal we’ve written, even that meal we just prepared and served.  And we usually choose the people we show our handiwork to.  My mom and mother in law are both knitters, so I can be fairly sure of an enthusiastic response when I show them the first sweater I finished.  I’m not the world’s most accomplished knitter- which is why it’s all the more impressive that I finished a sweater!  And I’ll only bring it out to a crowd that I’m pretty sure will appreciate the effort, and not criticize my errors.

For most of us moms, our daily lives don’t have very many ‘grand accomplishments’ that seem worthy of recognition.  We do our mom thing in the privacy of our own houses, with only the dog or maybe a kid or two to witness it.  And often they are not the most enthusiastic audiences!  I don’t know about you, but about once a week as I’m serving dinner I hear, “What’s this?” or ” Do I have to eat it?”  I’m not saying we need a round of applause as we put the salad on the table, but every now and then a word of appreciation is always welcomed!

We work hard at the more obvious tasks of maintaining a home and family and sometimes (if we’ve trained them well!) our efforts are recognized by our families.  But so much of our work is invisible.  It’s the thinking, problem-solving, conflict-resolution, strategic planning, etc. we do that makes such a big difference in the lives of those around us.  And this happens behind the scenes- often in our own heads.  Who else would know how you delicately handled the situation so that potentially conflicting birthday parties happened on different days?  And how you smoothed some ruffled feathers, preventing a small situation from getting out of control?

Having these small, yet important things acknowledged is not insignificant.  Which means you need an audience.

What an Audience Can Do

Before you run screaming for the exit- hear me out.  I’m not talking about the kind of ‘command performance’ most of us were subjected to as children.  Forced to stand and spell words you could barely pronounce, or do math problems on the board where all your mistakes were visible– ughh!  I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have some story about being so nervous they flubbed their lines, or missed their big solo at some point or other.   Having an audience in this kind of situation can be excruciating.

But that’s not really what I’m talking about.

I’ve been both a runner and a spectator in a number of road races over the years and have seen and felt what an audience can do.  At the Bolder Boulder, the last stretch is up a decent hill into the stadium at CU.  By the end of 6 miles, many runners are breathing heavy, their form is sloppy and their pace is dragging.  But once they hit the stadium a remarkable shift occurs.  Even if they can’t pick up the pace, (which nearly everyone does) everything else about them changes.  They pick up their feet.  They pick up their heads.  They even smile and wave to the crowds and cameras that greet them at the finish.

Maybe you’ve been at a concert and seen something similar.  The band or performer is hot.  The audience is digging it, and it shows.  When things are really cooking, you can feel the love going both ways.  The audience can’t believe what they’re seeing, and the performers are doing things they didn’t even know they were capable of.  There’s a connection between the performer and the audience that is reciprocal.  The better the performer plays, the better the audience likes it.  The louder and more appreciative the audience gets, the better the performer plays.  That’s the MAGIC an audience can produce.

It’s All About Connection

Having an audience reminds us that we’re not alone in the world.  It lets us know that we are connected and that our actions have an impact on others.

For this reason, wanting an audience is not really about ego.  In fact, when I put the question out to my Facebook crowd (which is fairly stacked with artists and performers of all sorts) the first respose I got was from an artist friend who said that having an audience gives her a sense of purpose so she’s not just being self-indulgent.

In the best of circumstances, there’s a reciprocal flow of energy that happens between audience and performer that elevates them both.  Which leads to:

The Real Power of An Audience

The real power of an audience is that an audience (or the prospect of one) calls on us to show up.  Having an audience encourages us to dig deep and bring the best of who we are and what we have to offer to the table.

I sing with an a capella group.  We meet weekly and sing together.  I’ve learned a lot (never having been a singer) and it’s a lot of fun.  But in contrast to many of my other musical experiences, we don’t perform.  We’ve thought about it, and tried to get a couple of things going, but so far, nothing has panned out.  And because of this, I know that we have not even touched our potential as individual singers or as a group.  I don’t practice much in between rehearsals.  Our director lets the little mistakes slide.  If we had a performance coming up, I guarantee these things would change and FAST!  Right now, we’re just humming along at ‘good enough.’  We work on a song until it sounds pretty good and we’re not too sick of singing it.  Then we move on.

Now if you’ve read any of the posts on ‘slacker perfectionism’ you’ll know that I’m really a fan of ‘good enough.’  At least in some contexts.  But if  ’good enough’ is as good as it ever gets, that sounds like a recipe for a mediocre and unfulfilled life to me.

Some of my favorite experiences were of times when I was pushed beyond what I thought were my limits and did the thing I was sure I could never do.  How was I pushed?  By having an audience.  Whether it was a professor (thanks Dr. Powers!) trainer (Thanks Dan!) or group of people who were counting on me, the times I showed up in a way that surprised myself were made possible by an audience of one sort or another.

So if you want to step up your game- the fastest way I know is to find yourself an audience.

The Risks Of Audience

If you’re thinking that I’m insane, or at least have no idea what terrible things might happen if you ever were to even consider such a crazy idea… you may be right.  I realize that there are some risks to what I’m suggesting.  The major concerns seem to fall into one of the following three categories:

1. What if I mess up?
2. What if someone hates me?
3. What if nobody pays attention?

Well, I’m not going to lie to you.  In my experience, they will all happen.  You will mess up.  Sooner or later, you will make a mistake.  In public.  And you will feel embarrassed.  However I’m fairly certain no one has actually died of embarrassment, otherwise none of us would have ever survived our teen years.  So there’s that.

As for number two, guaranteed if you put anything out into the world there will be someone who doesn’t like it.  I bet if you put up a facebook group for “People Opposed to Peace, Love and Chocolate” you’d get a bunch of takers.  So, yeah.  Somewhere there will be people who don’t like what you’re up to.  But you’re a mom!  You put out ideas, requirements and sack lunches all the time that people don’t like!  If you’re lucky you’ll find enough who do that it won’t matter much.

Which leads to number three.  What if I throw this party and no one comes?  Here’s where the virtue of persistence gets a workout.  Apparently Stephen King got 30 rejection letters before Carrie finally found an audience.  Google your favorite band to find out how long they played before getting their major label contract.

All this is to say, the risks of seeking an audience are real.  And there are bigger risks.

The Biggest Risk

The biggest risk is to play it too safe.  To go too small.  To settle for too little.  Back to the quote from the beginning.  ”A life absent of boldness is a sure path to regret.”  And not just for you.  If you do that thing you do in a small way, how many people are you depriving of your gifts?  What good will fail to be done in the world if you act as if you are too insignificant to do it?

And this is why YOU need an audience too.  Because you have so many gifts to share.  Your thoughts, your words, your ideas, your creative expressions, your superpowers!

My Secret Mission

Well I guess it’s not a secret any more, but here goes…

My mission is to create a sort of “Justice League” of Mommies.  Some of you may remember this Saturday morning cartoon.  My memory is hazy, but I remember SuperMan, Wonder Woman, AquaMan, PlasticMan and various others.  Every week they would come up against some situation that none of them could resolve alone.  Each character had some awesome powers, but the situation always required all of them to work together.

I think that mothers are a powerful force for good in the world.  Sometime soon I’ll post my thoughts on exactly why I think that mothers make such potent world-changers, but that will have to wait.  For now, let me just say that we each have amazing skills, talents and passions.  I’m convinced that working together, each of us using our own unique superpowers, we can make an enormous difference in the world.

I’m a big fan of Chris Guillebeau.  He talks about building a small army of people to help you change the world.  So if you think you might be up for becoming part of a band of kick ass supermoms, here’s what you can do.

My Request

First, just be my audience.  No standing ovations are necessary!  Just subscribe to the blog.  Sign up for my mailing list.

Let me share my thoughts, fears, worries and insights about the wild ride of motherhood.  Call me to show up as honestly, and clearly as I can.

Second, let me know you’re there!  Did something make you smile?  Did something make you think?  Do you agree, disagree, have a question?  Let me know.

I’ve got ‘comment love’ installed so if you have a blog or website, you can let us know what you’re up to.

Third, Help me create a community of moms who know we don’t have all the answers , but who are trying to do a little better each day.  Let us celebrate our successes together and learn from our mistakes.  If you like what you see here, tell all your cool friends.

Let me/us be an audience for you as you move through the phases of motherhood and do your THING in the world.

My commitment

I will show up here twice a week- most likely Tuesday with an article and Friday with “Do-Overs and High-Fives”

I will read the coments thoughtfully and respond as appropriate.

I will strive to create and maintain a safe and nurturing space for moms of all kinds.

I recently read that when you try to build a community online, you have to let it go live before you know what it will be… so here we go! Mailing list is up top– Subscribe buttons are right below!  Know a friend who would dig this?  Forward it on!

Mom  SuperPowers— ACTIVATE!

The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else– we are the busiest people in the world.
~Eric Hoffer

Ever since I read this quote a couple of weeks ago, it’s been on my mind.

I don’t think I know a single mom who hasn’t wondered at some point or another if she’s ‘wasting her life.’ This existential angst isn’t unique to moms of course- but I’m a mom, I work, play and hang out with mostly moms… so this quote immediately paints a picture for me of the woman racing around all day doing laundry, grocery shopping, meeting on the fundraiser for this or that community event, making phone calls, bringing her kid the forgotten uniform/lunch/homework folder, running and running from early in the morning until late at night.

But we fall into bed exhausted and frazzled instead of with that ‘good tired’ feeling that comes from hard but satisfying work.

So what’s going on here?

We’re doing lots of things that are important and worthwhile. Families need to be fed, beds need to be changed, and it can be very satisfying to be part of a larger community project that we believe in.

Some might say that our dissatisfaction comes from the inherent nature of the daily tasks of mothering and keeping a family running.
After all, in return for his evil deeds, Sisyphys was given a punishment that would seem all too familar to most of the moms I know!
We’re not pushing a rock uphill every day, but tell me if you don’t see the similarities!

We make a meal, and clean up the mess, only to have to do it all over again in a few hours. And everyone knows you can NEVER get all the laundry done. There you are, putting the last pair of socks into the drawer at the end of the day- and the beginning of the next load is sitting on the floor taunting you.

So there’s certainly some justified sense of the insubstantiality, (which is different than futility- at least sometimes!) of our work- it disappears as soon as it’s done, and it’s never done.

But that doesn’t really seem to be the core of why moms often find themselves unhappy, even when they love their families, and love caring for them.

I think it’s the other part of the equation in Hoffer’s quote: What are you NOT doing that you ought to be doing?

Is it to make art or music? To start a business? To plant and nurture a garden? To climb Mount Everest, or run a triathlon? Learn to fly a plane, speak Spanish, or do woodworking? Run for office, go to graduate school, do yoga in India?

For me it turns out to be writing. My days, weeks and life go much better when I am writing regularly.

How about you?

What is that THING you must do?

And what is it costing you not to do it?

You had a life before you were a mom- I know you did!

And I’m guessing you were pretty good at whatever you were doing before your kid(s) came along.

Maybe you were climbing the corporate ladder- on the fast track to professional success.

Or maybe you were making the world a better place as a Peace Corps volunteer, social activist or in any of the many under appreciated, underpaid fields rather patronizingly called the “helping professions.”

Perhaps you were following your muse, creating beauty and meaning through art, dance, music, literature, etc…

Most likely, some combination of these- because if you’re like most of the moms I know, you are a multi-dimensional and multi-talented woman!

Smart, talented and capable, that’s you.

Do you ever miss those days now?

Do you long for the days when you dressed like a grownup and had lunch with clients or colleagues?

Do you miss being respected and rewarded (with MONEY!) for your experience and expertise instead of being met with resistance or eye rolls from your kids or even your husband?

Most of the time you feel pretty good about the choices you made to pull back on your career to raise your family, but do you ever get those flashes of envy (once in a blue moon!) when you hear that someone you know has just gotten a promotion, made partner, been published or had a show go up?

Ouch… this one really smarts….

Before I learned that coaching wasn’t some weird goofy thing that only applied to the really rich or really messed up, I had a love/hate relationship with my college and grad. school alumni magazines.

It wasn’t so much that I wanted what those other women had, but rather that their steady forward progress made it look like they had found their THING.

That’s what made me so jealous (or is it envious?)

I hadn’t yet found my THING. The THINGs that I thought were my thing before my son was born, weren’t my thing after all…

I’d changed since having a kid and the things that might have been my thing before, weren’t anymore for various reasons. My priorities shifted, my interests expanded and the time available was varied and sometimes unpredictable.

But still I knew there was some THING out there for me, and once I figured it out, I could totally ROCK.

So when I finally did find my THING, something that I could bring my whole self to- intellect and intuition, experience and ignorance, the whole ball of wax… well, let’s just say that you won’t hear me whisper that word that rhymes with ‘witch’ under my breath anymore.

How about you? Has the green-eyed monster ever bitten you in the butt? What’s your THING?